in myanmar, i told the lord i was done with hard goodbyes. not really something i have a choice about, especially on the race, i’m just someone who becomes really invested in people and it wrecks me to leave with all the unknowns of when i’ll see them next.
sbu was my kid from the first day of ministry. i recently watched the movie instant family, about a family who fosters, and they refer to it as a cosmic connection. we had a cosmic connection from the first day, on my end anyway, she was extremely skeptical and didn’t want anything to do with us until two days later, when she would hang upside down on my lap, but still wouldn’t say a word. within two weeks, i was already broken over the idea of leaving her, even if it was only for a week to go to pvt.
every day, sbu would see me from behind the fence and run all the way around the carepoint to jump in my lap. i looked forward to being with her and teaching her new english words and taking our daily picture in the side room, every single day. she’s only five, but she knew how to make me genuinely laugh. she has the most spunk and sass and personality i’ve ever seen in a kid that age, i think in any kid i’ve met in the countries i’ve been to.
we’d literally laugh together and cry together. anywhere i went, she followed. two days, my team and i went to a sports day at the school down the street, and all the kids were asking where sbu was because she wasn’t with me. she doesn’t even go to school, she had no way of getting there, everyone just always knew we’d be together.
that’s my kid.
i told the lord i was done with hard goodbyes, but even a month ago, i’d find myself crying in my bed over the fact that she couldn’t come home with me and i’d have to say goodbye to her.
last wednesday, my shepherd pulled me aside to talk to me about sbu. he said that her parents wanted her to go with me. they said it was okay for me to take her home because i could give her a better opportunity than they could, since they didn’t have much. my jaw dropped and tears started welling in my eyes as i thought of how much sacrifice that is for them, to give up their daughter because they want so much better for her than what they have.
i cried a few times over it, just thinking of the reality of it, that as badly as i wanted to take her home, i couldn’t, and as badly as her family wanted me to, and even she did, there was no possibility.
thursday was our last day at the carepoint, and as always, sbu ran into my arms and spent the morning on my lap, just laughing and being wild. we left to do our last two house visits and say goodbye to the women who we’ve been seeing every week for the last three months. when we came back, sbu wasn’t there. we said goodbye to the kids, knowing we wouldn’t see them again, and my heart hurt as i got in the van knowing i couldn’t say goodbye to my kid.
i cried the next day over the fact of her family actually wanting her to come home with me and that i didn’t even get to hug her one last time, but i just went to the lord and prayed for her. every single day, i’d pray for her and her family. i prayed that it wouldn’t be the last time i see her.
the next day was packing day. a team had gone down the street to a high school where their shepherd was playing net ball, and around noon, one of my squad mates got a text saying that sbu was there and asking for me. i literally dropped everything and was out the door within two minutes.
the moment lauren and i walked through the gate, sbu was running up to me and jumping in my arms. i just squeezed her, shed a tear or two or maybe three.
i got maybe 40 minutes with her, but even that was an answer to my prayer from the night before. we just spent time together, the whole time with her arms tightly around my neck. a pastor from our community was there, and at one point i asked him to translate to her that today was our last day together and i would miss her so, so much. as he told her, she just nodded and squeezed me even tighter.
as i cried, she wiped my tears and told me “abby is crying”. and then we had to leave. i walked towards the end of the cement area, told her goodbye and i loved her, and tried to put her down, but she just held me tighter. with each attempt to put her down, she wrapped her arms around me tighter and tighter. when i finally put her down, she quickly grabbed my hand and started walking towards the gate. i told her she had to stay and i had to go, but she kept repeating something over me, louder and louder without letting my hand go. finally, another shepherd took her and i walked away, sobbing.
that was the hardest thing i’ve had to do on the race. knowing the circumstances i’m leaving her in, with one meal a day and sleeping on the floor, knowing that her parents and her want me to take her but i just can’t, it was so hard. but in that and the three months i spent with her, i learned how to pray for her. i learned how to love so unconditionally and how to go to the Lord when i really need peace and comfort. and my team showed me so much grace and love as i grieved over the hardest goodbye i could’ve ever imagined. and even now, i still cry when i think of her and not being able to see her on the weekdays and share my hand sanitizer with her. i still spend a chunk of my quiet time praying over her and her family, knowing that there’s a reason there was a “cosmic connection” between us and a reason why that goodbye was so hard.
gosh, i love that girl so, so much. and gosh, i hope someday soon i can see her again.
