A lot of people tell me they can read my face and know exactly what emotion I am feeling. To some degree this is true. What can I say, I outwardly express my emotions pretty easily and I am not ashamed of that. However, I have recently been struggling with not being completely honest with those emotions. When I am not honest with my emotions, I can blow up on people I care about or find myself in pit of loneliness, which I did not want for myself. I have been personally wanting for good change to take place in my heart and the way I translate emotion. In order to work on this, I decided to look into a thing called the Enneagram.
If you are not familiar with The Enneagram here is a definition:
The enneagram is a personality assessment that includes a system of nine personality types combining traditional wisdom with modern psychology— a powerful tool for understanding ourselves and the people in our lives.
After going through the nine personality types I found myself resonating with type 4— the Individualist / Romantic. To give you an even deeper understanding of my personality type being a “Four” here is a short definition of Type Fours:
Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious.
I wrestled with this for quite some time. Fours are feelers and very in tune with their emotions (self-aware in other words), but I was not okay with this. I felt I was being seen as “too sensitive”, “too moody” or simply over dramatic. Which too me is not something I would like to be seen as. So I took it upon myself to dig deeper and seek purpose in these emotions. I asked questions such as, “How can the emotions I have help others?” and “can I use these feelings to make a good difference in the world?”
Asking God these questions revealed to me that I am able to sit with people and empathize with them. For instance, I have been able to use these gifts in my job as a Middle School Intern at my church here in Colorado. Being in this position, I come in contact with all kinds of students. All from different backgrounds and home lives. On some occasions I have had students tell me they struggle with anxiety, depression, and simply the fight of being comfortable in their own skin. As someone who has struggled with some of the same things, I can reassure them they are not alone. I can sit with them and emphasize with their hurt. I feel for their longing to escape the recurring battle of depression and anxiety that takes away their ability to be present in moments. And while I might not always know all the battle behind what they are facing, I can be there- which sometimes is all we want, for someone to simply sit and be with us.
God has shown me that the sometimes overwhelming amount of emotions I hold inside me can lead me into a deeper relationship with others. I have a gift of meeting people in both their dark moments and their moments of celebration, and in realizing this, I have found that this is often how God connects with me.
My personal relationship with God is similar in many ways. He sits with me and cares deeply for me. The things He has redeemed in me have given me complete joy, but also many tears of surrender. I am okay with this. I am able to cry to my Father without fear of judgement. I have been met by complete love with all of my emotions. God created me this way on purpose and I am thankful for that. I am moved by the broken, which has instilled in me a desire for change to take place in the world. I truly believe we can all make a difference in this world when we use the gifts God has given us.
When dwelling on this, I was reminded of the story of Moses. His story takes place in the book of Exodus the second book of the Old Testament in the Bible. In Exodus chapter 3 God meets Moses in a burning bush. God tells Moses to help free the Israelites from slavery out of Egypt where they were under Pharaoh’s hand. When Moses heard this he said, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” (Exodus 3:11 NIV). He then proceeds to tell God in chapter 4 how he is not fit enough to carry out the task. He goes as far to plead with God saying, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.” (Exodus 4:10 NLT). But fast-forward to chapter 14 and we see Moses lead the Israelites out of captivity! The Israelites were in slavery for hundreds of years, were tortured, and lacked basic necessities for survival. God used Moses to approach Pharaoh and had him demand that Pharaoh let His people go. Moses, who thought his words were powerless, allowed God to set thousands of people free!
So you might be wondering, how does the story completely relate with our own gifts? Well, here’s my take away from all of this- a characteristic we might see in ourselves as insignificant or as an unusable trait, God gives us the ability to use as a gift for His glory. You see, Moses did have a way with words, but it is because of God that He was able to confidently use that gift. Moses said he was a stutter, but in Exodus 12:37 we read that there were about six hundred thousand men on foot, besides women and children set free from Pharaoh. No way a stutter could lead a group that big! God gave Moses courage and He encouraged him in his gift. God can and will use anyone. Whether we believe we are “fit” enough or have the “right” gifts to do so.
If today you are wrestling with who you are, know this— your talents and abilities make YOU a GIFT to this world. You bring beautiful things to this world and we need you! God wants to come alongside you to help build His kingdom here on earth. He says, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). You are made in His sweet image and you have a calling to live out. This includes using your own characteristics that you might see as “useless” that God sees us in a completely different light. He sees us as His handcrafted children. Ephesians 2:10 states, “For we are God’s handiwork. Created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which He has prepared in advance for us to do.”
Friends, “God made you on purpose for a purpose.” -Bill Hybels
