Control.
I love it. If we were honest with ourselves, we’d all have to admit that we love control. Control over our emotions. Control over time. Control over other people. Control over circumstances. Control is a comforting thing. To know exactly what will happen, exactly what comes next, exactly what we do, where we go, who we’re with. Control makes us feel safe.
I thought that giving up control of my life would be easier than this. I didn’t know how tight of a grip I had on everything in my life until I tried to pack it all into a backpack. I didn’t know that I was scared to death of letting go of my ability to call my mom whenever I wanted to. I didn’t know that letting go of control over what I wear and eat and where I live would be so hard. I didn’t know that when I signed up to do the World Race that I would need to lay down my rights to any control that I (thought) I had over my own life. And it’s wrecking me.
I keep asking The Lord, “What more can you ask of me, God?! I’ve given up control of everything. Every part of me. Everything I have. It’s all yours.” And then He whispers, “What about this? Will you give me this? Will you give it up?” Every time I think I’m almost there or that I’ve finally made it, Holy Spirit gently reminds me of something that I’m holding onto.
I’d like to think of myself as a person who’s willing to count everything as loss for the sake of the gospel. It might even seem like I am. It would seemingly take that kind of person to leave her life behind for 11 months to travel to 3rd world countries. Sometimes I even believe that I am. But I have a lot of growing to do.
It’s hard to count time with my family as a loss. It’s hard to count birthdays, holidays, and weddings as a loss. It’s not fun to count sleeping in my comfy bed, the mind-numbing comfort of watching Netflix, and the chick fil a drive-thru, as a loss. But the fact is, it’s all worthless when I hold it up next to Jesus.
Jesus. He’s a man who knows a thing or two about counting it all as loss. He is fully man, fully God. He walked the Earth. He could have had riches, all the time in the world, a wife, a family, earthly power- anything He wanted. But Jesus, the son of God, counted everything He could ever wish for on the earth as loss, for me. Me.
And I can’t understand it.
I won’t ever understand why perfect love died for me. He leaves the 99 for me. He lets the crowd choose to free me over Himself. He chose me over everything else. Everyone else. Me.
How could I ever hold onto anything else but Him?
When I reflect on this truth, everything else seems so small. So insignificant. So silly. And I’m tempted to feel shame. To pick shame up and wear it on my heart. But Jesus. He comes and He whispers to my heart, “You don’t owe me a thing. I love you.”
Scripture says that the person who tries to keep their life will lose it, and the person who loses his life will find it. And that right there. That’s what I’m holding onto. I’m holding onto the fact that nothing compares to life with Jesus. That no amount of control over my life will lead to me finding fulfillment. That if I let go of my life and give it to Jesus, that I’ll find what life is supposed to be like.
And that’s enough for me.
