Recently, a friend of mine told me that I used sarcasm as a method of self-preservation.
Isn’t feedback fun? (Exhibit A)
In all seriousness, I needed to hear this. It was a total blind spot in my life. I had no idea that when conversations started heading toward emotional vulnerability, I used sarcasm to stiff-arm whoever was trying to see and touch those parts of my heart.
I took it to The Lord and asked Him how I got here. How did I get to the point of feeling like I need to hit the brakes when I’m feeling vulnerable?
A big part of my testimony is rejection. Middle and high school were years of my life where I started realizing that who I really was wasn’t enough for the people around me. I didn’t feel accepted or like I fit into any certain friend group or clique. I was so confused about who I was supposed to be. So I started striving and functioning from a place of anxiety. I tried to be who I thought everyone wanted me to be. I lied about who I was, things that I liked, and sometimes even changed the way I wore my hair or dressed just to feel affirmed and accepted by my peers. I believed the lie that I wasn’t enough.
When conversations feel like they’re getting too vulnerable. When someone is trying to press into who I really am- see what’s really going on in my head and heart, I sometimes panic. Hit the brakes. Become sarcastic. Try to lighten the mood and get the attention off of myself. And push them away with that stiff arm of mine.
Self preservation has led to nothing but destruction in my life.
When I’m trying to self preserve, I’m pushing people who genuinely care for me away out of the fear of rejection.
When I’m trying to self preserve, I put up a wall. Brick by brick I build it up until I feel like it’s safe enough to stop.
When I’m trying to self preserve, I’m not fighting for the person who’s trying to love me well.
One of my favorite books taught me a lesson on brokenness.
It says, regarding a broken heart, “Maybe the love gets in easier right where the heart is broken open.”
If that’s really the case, why am I so afraid of being a broken thing? Of people seeing me and touching those broken places in my heart. Afraid of finding out who I really am.
I remember having a one-on-one at my month 1 debrief in Guatemala with my squad mentor Jeremy. I said, “I don’t have a vulnerability problem.” And honestly at that time I believed that I didn’t. But I remember being so taken aback when he looked straight at me and said, “Um, yes you do. You really do. And that’s okay for now. But you can’t stay there. What’s your next step?”
You could say that I’ve received a lot of “tough love” on the World Race.
When I think about Jesus, not once do I see a time when He ever valued self preservation. He says “Consider others more significant than yourself.” He was spit on and beaten. He could’ve had Pilot let Him go free instead of allowing the crowd to have Barabbas the thug. He could have taken Himself off of that cross. But He chose selflessness. Vulnerability. And sacrifice.
Do I think it was easy for Him to do? No. I can only imagine what was going through His mind in all of the vulnerable situations Jesus was in. “Run.” “Don’t let them in.” “They’re going to reject you no matter what.” “They don’t believe that you’re enough.”
Jesus knew that these things were just untruths. And that if He believed them, He would be denying us a piece of His heart.
Jesus never denies me any piece of His heart. He doesn’t hide Himself from us to tease us or protect Himself. He doesn’t give Himself in pieces. He says, “Here’s my whole heart. You’re welcome to it all.” He’s not afraid of the pain.
He knows that without the pain, we can’t have the love. Without the broken pieces, the love can’t get in or bind them up. So he allowed His own heart to break, His own body to be broken, just to love us and bind up our broken hearts.
What the heck am I doing trying to self preserve when there’s so much love to be had? So much love that’s going to seep into those cracks and bind up the broken pieces of me.
My name is Abby and I have a vulnerability problem.
But I’m not staying here. I’m resolving to let the love in and stop believing the untruths that I’ve believed for so long. Brick by brick I’m gonna take my walls down.
If you receive anything from this blog post, I pray that you would receive the value of feedback. Of letting the people in your life call you out of darkness into marvelous light. It’s a total game changer and will rock your world. Your relationship with the Lord will go so much deeper when you’re being encouraged by your fellow believers. Is it easy or fun? Not all the time. Is it worth it?
Heck yes it is.
