Today is January 2nd, 2014. A year ago I was 5 days away from leaving on the World Race. A month ago I was on the emotional rollercoaster they like to call final debrief in Penang, Malaysia. I flew home to Jacksonville on December 7th and since then have daily decided to put off writing this blog, work on videos from this year or just anything somewhat productive.
There is a lot to process when finishing the World Race.
Reverse culture shock is a real thing.
Going home is difficult.
…understatements of the century.
I’m a do-er. I should’ve written another blog about Malaysia; so much happened that month. I should’ve written my final close-out blog way before now. I should’ve completed my monthly videos during the year and not be stuck on Month 6.
Should. Should. Should.
It’s a dangerous word for me. It’s morphed into ‘Come on, Ab. You should’ve finished that presentation for church before Christmas. By now you should’ve sent out those notes to the girls, gotten the oil changed in the car, returned that package, scheduled coffee with that important person, contacted your company, etc. etc. You said you’d have time to start working at the end of January. That’s fast approaching and you still haven’t figured it out. You should be able to make decisions. Come on, Ab.’
In the whirlwind of the past 3 1/2 weeks I haven’t completed any of that stuff. And, if I’m honest, I don’t love that. I’m a fan of productivity. Unfortunately, I think my view of productivity is skewed.
Since December 7th I’ve watched my best friend marry her best friend. I’ve taught my 2-year-old nephew how to decorate the bottom two branches of the Christmas tree. I’ve visited family in Chicago. I’ve danced for hours at my first World Race wedding. I’ve hugged and loved a dear old friend that I should’ve hugged and loved sooner than now. I’ve sat at Bold Bean hugging a Honey Latte with a number of people that mean a lot to me. I’ve had hours of soul-stirring, life-bringing, Holy Spirit-longing conversation with a few people I love tremendously.
So, productive? Well, it depends on your definition of the word. I’m working on bending my personal definition towards the life-bringing side, rather than the opposite. A friend said to me last year, “Sometimes we should ask ourselves if things bring us life or death. It’s actually quite simple to move forward after that.”
It would be really cool if I could write about everything the Lord revealed/taught/cultivated in me this year. But, you know, it would be also really cool to find out that Prince Harry has been planning to profess his love towards me. As much as I would make a lovely royal, I don’t see either of those things happening any time soon. I wish I could tell you every story, describe every taste or smell. I would love to show a complete record of the amazing, the challenging, the holy of God that made up my past year, but I can’t. It’s too much, too big. And that in itself is something I’m incredibly thankful for.
I can tell you that what I’ve learned about dependency (how I’m bad at that) and control (how I’m good at that) has triggered something wonderful. I’m wanting to take on new life decisions with less of me and more of Him. Every day I have to work on prying open my fist of control and hold up those things in my life I hold onto so tightly. [See the chapter entitled Palms Up from Love Does by Bob Goff] It’ll come with practice, but I will never perfect. I will never ‘arrive’. Arrival to perfection means there’s no need for God. Depravity persists.
So it’s almost 32 hours into 2014 and there’s a plethora of question marks surrounding me. But after two impromptu 3-hour heart talks with two friends yesterday I felt stirred into realizing question marks aren’t going to kill me. There are some things I know, things that look like periods instead of erotemes.
- I currently have friends, old and new, in my life that bring me life.
- I’m really excited about things like seeing my squad/friends/family/people this weekend for Project Searchlight, going to a new brewery in Riverside, taste-testing every wonderful breakfast place in Jax with my Dad, showing my Capetonians my city in March, Valentine’s Day, reading the never-ending list of books I’ve been adding to, practicing athletic training and treating patients again, wearing red lipstick once a week, etc.
- I’m really excited about exploring some new things like getting better on the guitar, learn to sing and play at the same time for worship, finding a Spanish language partner, seeking out discipleship/a mentor, joining a small group or bible study, decorating my new apartment downtown, etc.
- The Lord will continue to reveal Himself and His plans as well as challenge me post-World Race
I want you to know I didn’t do the World Race. He did through me. My prayer is to be used by Him, filled by Him so that the overflow of Him will maybe fill into those around me.
If you’re still reading there’s a good chance you have read maybe some of my other blogs this year or maybe you lifted me up in prayer or maybe you even helped support me. I don’t know how to thank you. I can only hope that my meager attempts at sharing my experience reached thousands of miles back to you. I’m pretty sure this will be my final WR blog and I haven’t decided if I will start up a new blog for my post-Race life [Thoughts? Suggestions? Snide remarks?]. Writing has been new and lovely, though, something I've come to love. Thank you for reading.
I don’t know how I was lucky enough to get this opportunity and it has been the best year of my life…so far.
Well-played 2013, well-played.
2014 accepts your challenge.
