“Brave”, BLESSED and Brutally Honest

Oh man, this girl needs to learn how to blog.  Almost 2 months, Abby?  Not acceptable.

I've been thinking about this post for a few weeks now.  Hopefully that didn't set your expectations too high, becaue I think it's going to turn out just as jumbled as my thoughts are.  Either way, I have to share.  

People tell me I'm brave.  Not in general, but I think it's the positive thing they think to say when I tell them what I'll be doing in January.  I've been surrounded with, "Woah", "Oh my goodness", and my personal favorite: "I could never do that!"  Can I tell you a secret?  MANY times, I don't know if I can do it, either.  Here's where the brutally honest part comes in.  Honesty about myself.  I've struggled with insecurities, doubts and fear.  At the same time, I juggle excitement, gratefulness and joy!  I warned you about the jumbled thoughts, you're in too deep now:).  When I'm honest with myself I pull out the things that I don't necessarily love about me.  The worst of these being my focus on ME.  I can use the youngest child excuse, but just in general, I can be super self-centered.  Side note: I think that's why I don't blog very well.  I love to talk about me, don't get me wrong, but I don't like that I like it and try to stay away from it.   I'm impatient when my schedule/focus/wants don't go as planned.  I don't like doing things I don't want to do.  I get jealous easily, and I'm ashamed to say, very often for no good reason.  I hold on to bitterness.  I don't forgive well.  I'm judgemental.  All of these "gems" orbit around my selfishness.  Raise your hand if you've passed judgement on that girl from high school that was less than a Southern peach who now has the dashing husband, adorable kid and freakishly good body?  Raise your hand if you've huffed a cold shoulder to the person who cries out for help because "they should've thought about consequences when they made their decisions."  Here's my big one for the past year: Raise your hand if you hide tiny balls of bitterness all over your world just because you can't get past the thought that you or someone you love were wronged.  You don't know what else to hold on to so your BFF Pride feeds those bitterness balls so you don't have to have vulnerable empty hands.  Eventually your hands get full, and you're exhausted.  You get tired of comparing yourself to hundreds of Facebook buddies you don't even talk to.  You notice that lack of compassion can make you a very lonely person.  And then you form jealousy for those compassionate people around you…and then you get tired…and then jealous…and then…then you're on a carousel that sucks.  What I'm trying to say is that it's not about me.  My life, my family, the things that I love, this World Race, it's not about me.  Some of my all-time favorite song lyrics say

My prayer is that my heart will be broken and my eyes to be opened.  I'm pretty sure that won't take long, WHATSOEVER.  Me and about 60-ish other AMAZING people are going to be used for something wonderous.  (By the way, I need to shout out to my 2nd Generation N Squad!  I want to introduce them to everyone I know so they can see how wonderful they are and how lucky I am to have them.  So clickity~clickity on that nifty link in the top right corner and check them out, please and thank you).  What was I saying?  That's right, WONDEROUS.  Yep.  
So for my favorite part of my jumbled thoughts, I wanted to tell you how BLESSED I am.  Blessed in all facets, but right now I'll tell you about my support blessings.  Not just in the form of $$$, but .  My church family has thrown their giant arms around me and hugged me in so tight over the past couple months since I decided to go on the Race.  People I don't know are praying for me and totally interested in what I'm doing.  My family gives up their time, space in the spare bedroom (gear/tshirts/general stuff piles up fast), and there is definitely something to be said for their marketing skills.  The same can go for my incredible friends.  A little over a month ago I was trucking along in my fundraising and was sitting right around $1500.  I sat down in church next to Mom and she pointed to a dollar amount listed on the back of the bulletin that had been growing slightly since June-ish.  Never really paying much attention to it, I wondered what her point was.  She told me that amount was my money.  People had been putting my name on checks in the offering plate over about 2 months and I didn't know it.  That week, a check was cut for over $2500 and sent off to AIM that put me over my first goal of $3500.  Blessed?  Of course I am.  I'm reminding myself of that when I feel overwhelmed.  Our first deadline is approaching in 4 days and there are so many on my team that are far from it.  Their passionate faith and encouragement is infectious!  I told you they were pretty great.  I have a long road to go, but due to prayers, giving and word-of-mouth advertising, I've been given a fantastic start.

After reading over some of what I just wrote I probably should have entitled this "Reasons I'm Extremely Un-Qualified for the World Race."  But I guess the only qualification is to say "Yes" when He says "Go."