Something about living in a foreign country with no family, in a house with eleven other girls my same age has prompted me to learn a lot about myself. I’ve been able to figure out how I work best with people, my natural habits, and the ways I best process things.
One thing that has been especially challenging for me is discovering the types of things that are easy for me and the types of things that are difficult for me. As an introverted person, it was definitely not what I expected.
I have no problem whatsoever going salsa dancing with a girl that I met volunteering at an Eco-market, but when it comes time to be open, fun, and laid back with my team, the girls that I live in the very same house with, it’s a different story. I love getting up in front of a class and explaining an English lesson, even if I have to do it in broken Spanish. But when my team wants to make a silly music video, I opt out and offer to film it instead.
Like I said before, living in such close community (not to mention close quarters) this truth about myself that I was not really aware of before has become impossible to ignore. I’ve had no choice but to confront these things I struggle with head on, spending time in prayer and reflection to really get to the root of the reason I have been holding back so much for so long.
What I found at the center of my difficulty, the thing that was keeping me from bonding with my team, the thing that was ensuring perfection while at the same time robbing me of new experiences, was (surprise, surprise!) fear. Not only did I identify the cause of my struggles, but I was also able to see how I had been operating in fear in every aspect of my life for my entire life. It dominated how I made all my decisions, from who I was friends with to what I cared about. It shaped the way I saw everyone around me and it dictated the way I viewed myself.
Realizing all of this, I decided I was done with fear being such a big part of my life. I didn’t want anything more to do with it. I decided that it was time to live life freely and openly, without fear informing all my decisions and thoughts. And what better time to start this battle than when on this trip?
Doing some more soul searching, I was able to see how my fear was divided into two main categories: fear of failure and fear of rejection. Being the plan-making, order-loving person that I am, I decided to identify specific areas in my life where I saw these certain types of fear and find practical ways to combat them.
First, I tackled the fear of failure. Ever since I can remember, I wouldn’t try something if I thought I wasn’t going to be good at it. I strived for perfection. I did everything I could to avoid failure, which in most cases meant simply not trying at all.
Right now in my life, the place where this fear of failure most tangibly shows up is in my relationship with exercise. When everyone arrived in Guatemala and started going for runs together in the morning, I decided to hang back. I’m not the most in-shape individual and exercising is a difficult thing, especially at this high altitude. So, naturally, I told myself that I just wouldn’t do it while I’m here because I’d probably be really bad at it.
I decided to challenge that fear and started going for runs around the neighborhood and working out almost every day. The first day of rolling out of bed and actually getting up to exercise was the hardest. I started running for only 10 minutes at a time, and each time, I challenged myself to go farther and farther. Just the fact that I would make an effort to get up and run every day was a victory over my fear of failure. With each day, I was able to see myself improve a little bit more.
The day I felt the most proud of myself in regards to my goal of physical fitness was Guatemala’s Independence Day. To celebrate, the people here participate in ‘torch-runs’, which is where you run from your home or school into Antigua with a torch, get it lit ceremoniously in the square, and then run back with the blazing torch.
San Pedro, the town I live in, is not close to Antigua, especially if you plan on running. I didn’t intend to run the whole thing because of how far it is, but I planned on running at least some of it. Once I started, the cheers of passersby and the general mood of excitement boosted my stamina and confidence, and I just kept going. I ended up running the entire way. When I got home, I was so proud and confident, there was no room for fear in my mind!
My fear of rejection is something that is taking a lot of work in my heart to combat rather than a tangible action plan. I’ve had to spend a lot of time reflecting on my reason for fearing being rejected and finding the lie at the center of it all. I usually try not to get close to people because I fear that they won’t want me. As a result, I either distance myself from people or only pursue relationships with people who I know for a fact need me or want me.
With my team, I have always struggled with being fully open and in complete community with them because of this. It got to the point where I thought I could just do everything by myself to avoid being vulnerable and open, and ultimately, being rejected. The more I prayed about it, the more I was able to see that there is no room for fearing a relationship with these girls! They want to know me, pour into me, and love me with God’s perfect love. By denying myself of a relationship with them, I had been denying a beautiful gift God has given me in these girls! I realized that God created community as a gift to us, and we need it. There is no way I can do this trip all by myself. I just need to remember that they love me with God’s love, and I should be loving them with God’s love. By walking in fear, I had been completely failing to do that!
Ever since giving this fear up to God, He’s blessed me with small opportunities to enjoy my team in this new, fearless, and restored way. Two weeks ago, our whole squad had a weeklong debrief where we spent our days hanging out with each other. For me, it was a time to practice my newfound freedom and build new relationships without the restraint of fear. In just a few weeks ahead, the schools I teach at will be ending, which will give me even more time to spend with my team.
By far, my favorite opportunity God has given me to go deeper with my team was our adventure to El Salvador. A few weeks ago, the six of us were able to take a day trip to El Salvador and spend time at the beach. The hours of riding in the car on the way there were absolutely beautiful, both in the scenery and in the newfound unity I felt in spending time with my team. The beach we went to was definitely one of the most picturesque beaches I have ever been to, and we were some of the only people there! To this day, one of my favorite memories with my team is floating chest deep in the ocean of El Salvador with them, unable to stop laughing, feeling finally complete with freedom and love.
The more I’ve operated without the constraints of fear, the more I’ve been able to see that this is what God wants for me. His glory is being revealed in ways that couldn’t have happened when I was denying relationships and opportunities because of my fear. When I held on to my fear of failing to be perfect and not good enough, my own glory and image had become a bit of an obsession. God has lifted my eyes to stop focusing so much on my own glory, and start being in awe of His glory and the amazing opportunities that He is opening up all around me. Instead of being fixed on calculating my own worth and glory, God has asked me to look around and be fixed on the ways that He is glorious, beautiful, and worthy. This started with surrendering fear, and as a result, I’ve been able to feel closer to Him than ever before. I’m so excited to begin to walk boldly and fearlessly into the doors that He is opening for me that will lead me closer to Him.
Thank you to everyone that reads this! You never fail to make me feel loved and supported. I have to raise over $2,000 more by November in order to be fully funded and continue this wonderful adventure. These past months of fundraising have been filled with blessing upon blessing from very part of my life. Fundraising has been such a beautiful process of God revealing how loved and cared about I am by so many people in my life. I have no doubt in my mind that God will provide again this time, I’m just eager and excited to see the way He does it! Please join me in prayer this month over fundraising, and if you feel called to donate, that would be amazing! Thank you so much for helping make it possible for me to go on this beautiful adventure!
