They had warned me.
Yes, at both Training Camp and Launch the experienced staff had passed along their pieces of knowledge to us, the new, eager, expectant Racers. Going back to White, Georgia in October, 2012, you would be able to take in the sight of a couple hundred souls gathering together to be taught the fundamentals of the field under the cover of a large pavilion. Sitting snugly together, we absorbed the words of great speakers, Race alumni and coaches alike. They spoke of community living, travel days, recounting stories from the field, perspective, personal development, worship, team dynamics and spiritual direction. One of the topics that we had spent a significant amount of time on was having expectations.
I can remember it clearly; our speakers waltzing up to the center stage, smiling and greeting us warmly as the breeze blew chills through our sweatshirts and down our spines. With folded arms and open ears, we listened as insight poured out from their mouths and from their past experiences. They communicated that having expectations was one of the principle transactions that Racers had with their environment/ community. Often times we don't realize that we have an expectation until such an anticipation is not met, or it is not met in the way we had hoped for. With so many discussions, warnings and advice, you might think that I would steer clear of building up certain prospects in my mind. Well, life is where theory meets reality…
Cue Thailand, stage four of my Race.
Towards the end of Honduras most everyone started to talk of our next location. Originally, I had no expectations for this place; yet, as others started to share their excitement, I found my expectations simultaneously forming and expanding at a rapid rate. It was to the point that though I loved Honduras, I could hardly stand waiting for Thailand to roll around. Thankfully, I was ultimately able to be focused in Honduras and enjoy my time there for what it was.
Then all of a sudden it's April and our new team combination, Spicy Warriors, hits the streets of Chaing Mai. Without a doubt, I had expected Thailand to be “my month.” I had expected to fall effortlessly into the swing of our ministry. I had expected to be working in the red light district, at least; but to be completely honest, Thailand was essentially nothing like what I had expected.
Firstly, we were unable to work in the red light district because the Russian mob was/is still in Chaing Mai collecting women to be put into the sex trade. Needless to say, our local district was no longer an option. This put a major dampener on my outlook for the month. I had yearned to work in the red light district so badly and I watched that particular opportunity slip through my fingers. So instead of constructively focusing my energy into the month and new ministry, I allowed my broken expectations to cast me into an apathetic funk that lasted the majority of Thailand. When we did venture out to the bars to speak life into the prostitutes there, I had clarity and loving motivation; yet, when spending time back in our dwelling at Zion Café, I drifted through my time there rather absently.
Looking back on it all, I do wish I could have gone about things differently; however, I now stand with my two feet planted solidly in Malaysia and I refuse to waste time existing in the past, pining for impossible changes. Philippians 3:13-14 calls us to forget our regrets, to lay down the things that hold us back at the feet of the Lord and to strive forward for the future, to seek after Him. Thus, I lay Thailand at His feet and embrace the time allotted to me for Malaysia without expectation, without remorse and ready to give my all.
