I have a confession: I lied to you. In fact, I probably spent the past couple months lying to you and now, sitting on the edge of my departure, it’s time to come clean. I told you I’m ready, I told you I’m ok, and I told you I was completely thrilled to be going on mission to South America. The truth is, I’m none of those things. I’m not ready, I’m not ok, and I definitely not COMPLETELY thrilled or even close.
But I will be, God never expected me to be, and pretending that I am will not help me better serve the people on my Race or my team. He wants the real me, not the me I want to be or think I should be. The scared and sometimes incompetent woman I am is the one He called- and truly, the one He loves. She’s the one going to the Amazon, not her imaginary counterpart.
And that’s ok.
If I’ve learned anything from the preparation time that has just come to a close, it’s that “God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called”. This truth began to unfold over a period of many, many encounters with genuine and well-intentioned people inquiring about my trip. I started inadvertently speaking a lie over my life that people wouldn’t support me or my trip if they realized that I was so radically underprepared for what God has in store. I did this by perpetuating a cycle of mask-wearing, polite conversation. It sounded a lot like spitting out the same responses to the same questions over, and over again regardless of what my heart was wrestling with. “Are you excited??”, “SO excited!”, or… “That’s so amazing! Are you ready?”, “Definitely getting there!” and around and around we go. It seemed too socially incorrect to answer with the honest truth, “Am I excited? Not really, actually. I’m really sad and apathetic and am only motivated to stay on the route because of the nightmare it would be to pay my donors back!” *Que awkward laughter before disturbed silence*. Is honesty really the best policy? No thanks.
What I started to understand though, is that my desire to appear worthy to others was becoming a stumbling block for my preparation and a curtain being drawn over God’s glory. Instead of me showcasing the wonders of a God who can use anyone, I seemed to be successfully convincing the people in my life that I could somehow earn the right to proclaim the Gospel with my own supernatural strength or specific set of skills. The truth is, God calls the beautifully, colorfully, ordinary people to do the extraordinary. That’s the story. That’s the adventure.
As I sit in the International Airport in Ft. Lauderdale, doing my best to wrap my head around how exactly I ended up here, I can’t help but feel in awe of the story unfolding. Unlike the picture I had been painting during the months leading me to today, this story isn’t mine- it’s God’s. I’m just one character in a grand adventure. And that’s a story worth following.
So I’m not fine unless you mean “freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional’. But I’m also loved, called, and confidently commissioned by a Father who could do my job this year Himself but chose to use me anyways. So for the REAL story, stay tuned. You’re not going to want to miss it.
