As soon as I laid in the hammock this morning I almost resolved to tears, when I closed my eyes to fight for control I found myself once again writing prayers of surrender in my journal. The same prayers that I have been writing for years. Let's backtrack: I have spent the last week in the hospital with one of my teammates, and I was coming off of many sleepless nights, countless tests with no diagnosis, and a surgeon who's bedside manners make Simon from American Idol seem like an angel. Needless to say it had been an excruciatingly long and draining four days. My team and squad leaders made me go home thursday night to rest and refuel, much to my initial objection (I am thankful for people who recognize my needs, because I don't do a very good job at that).
While at the hospital I hardly spent any time with the Lord, so I had been trying to survive all of the emotional turmoil on my own strength and I was doing nothing short of failing. The problem with me is if I miss a few days with Jesus, then I desire that time less and less, when in reality it is what I desperately need. So I allow myself to go and go and go and I normally have to get to my breaking point before I recognize that I can't do this anymore.
This cycle has been one I have been aware of for years now, yet despite this knowledge I have not been able to break it. And I was getting so frustrated with myself when I realized I walked down this same path once again. When I recognize a problem in life, or a way in which I need to grow to be more like Jesus, I expect instant change and perfection from my self.
And as I look around to the society I have grown up in, it makes a little more sense why this is such an on going battle for me. We live in a culture that wants things and wants them now: welcome to the world of instant.
Instant oatmeal, because making the normal stuff takes a whole ten minutes. Instant results, when it comes to the record of a new head football coach. Instant weight loss, so people take a pill. Why go to the store, when you can sit on your couch and order the same thing online? Why make a homemade dinner when you can pop a frozen one in the microwave for 2.5 minutes? Why write a letter when you can send a text message? Why walk 15 minutes if the drive takes 3?
We want instant EVERYTHING. Yet not only do we want things instant, we want things that happen instantaneously to be perfect as well. If it can't happen yesterday than its not good enough.
I am infinitely thankful that our Heavenly Father does not live in the same culture that we are so engrossed by. He doesn't expect instant results and He doesn't require perfect people to do His work. He reminded me this morning of two really important truths.
First off, it doesn't matter how many times I have to learn the same lesson , He knows exactly where I am at and loves me perfectly and completely anyways. He doesn't think like the world does, He is not expecting or looking for instant perfection. We don't learn our lessons the second we reach the top of a mountain, we learn our lessons through the journey it takes to climb up to the top. Its not always about the results, but about the journey that got us there.
" Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope" Romans 5:3
Secondly, when I sit in self-pity and self-hatred, only focusing on all of the ways I still need to change: I am living as if I am the one capable of the work that Jesus is doing through me. When I believe that I have to have it all together and be exactly like Jesus right now before I can be used, then I am thinking in a way that puts God in a box, or limits his power. When I only focus on the bad, I am failing to recognize the incredible work that He has been doing in my heart and life, and I am making this life about me again, instead of my Savior.
" But he said to me, ' My grace is sufficient for you, for MY power is made PERFECT in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
The God of the universe doesn't like instant oatmeal, He would rather take us down the 10 minute journey to make the real stuff. He also doesn't require a plane that can fly, or a life that looks exactly like Jesus to glorify Him. In fact, He tends to use a wingless plane… something that looks absolutely useless and broken to our culture. But its when He makes the wingless plane fly, that He gets all the glory. Its when His love and light not only shine through broken people, but mend them along a lifelong journey that He is most glorified.
That not to say we don't need to pick up our cross daily and lay our life down at the foot of the cross , its just a reminder that this whole journey called following Jesus will never be an instant fix and nor will it ever fly on its own perfect self.
