There is little about my life that doesn't look radical to the culture I left behind 7 months ago. To a society that says the only respectable and acceptable step after high school is college, and after college is a nine to five, taking a year break to do an 11 month mission trip is pretty out there. I have realized that this is something that most people admire though… mostly because they wished somebody would have told them at my age that it was okay. That it was okay to not follow the exact path that somebody else told them was required or expected. That it was okay to make mistakes and learn the hard way. That it was okay if they didn't have a family, mortgage, and sports car by the age of 30.
But even here during this "radical" trip… I am seven months in, and I feel even hungrier than when I left. Not hungry for food, even with $3 a day budget I have more than enough to sustain me. But a hunger that is much deeper… a hunger not of the stomach, but of the soul. Its so overwhelming that sometimes I want to quit.
I know that everyone reading this knows that I am talking about, because I have no doubt that we have all experienced at some point or another. Its that point when you have everything you need, but still want something more. A loving family, lasting friendships, food on the table, and a roof over the head just isn't enough to quench this feeling that there is more to life.
Some people try to ignore the hunger it by busying every minute of every day, hoping that there won't be time to dwell on the longing that threatens to resurface. Some people try by always purchasing the latest and greatest item on the market, sure that when they have the best of everything they will be satisfied. Some people seek to fill it on hangers or by burying their faces in books. Some people by filling their time with reality TV, in an attempt to lose themselves in other peoples drama. Others have given up on material possessions and turned to drugs or alcohol instead, hoping that the drowning out of sorrows for a night will make them disappear forever.
For me, I filled it by doing and busying my days. Just recounting my summer this past year, I realized that for 3 months there was not 5 days total that I was home without working, entertaining people, or traveling… in 90 days. The race has actually been a slow down on life for me. Which is hard to believe because I am traveling the world for a year out of a backpack: sleeping on the dirty floor, wearing the same stained clothes each day, being broken by the depth of pain and filled by the sheer power of hope. Each day is an adventure unknown to the day before, yet each day I long for more.
I realized that even here…when each day I strive to flee from the world and seek more of my Savior, I am still searching and it is SO frustrating. I came on this trip because I wanted to know more of my Lord and serve His children. I knew that in my comforts and old life that I would always long for more unless something changed. But changing the things around me isn't doing anything. I have changed everything about my life prior to the race yet I have to change the things inside of me instead.
So in an attempt to fill the void the other day, I got lost reading the book Kisses from Katie and found myself sobbing… the intimacy with the Lord that she describes, is exactly what I am longing for.
So I quit.
I quit trying to find something in this world that it can never give me.
I quit trying to distract my soul by deeds or busying ever moment.
I quit trying to do this on my own.
I quit trying to change my life, circumstances, and comforts.
I quit trying to "plan" my life, as if I know what is best.
I just quit.
All of these things I have known that I have to quit… in my head, but the problem is I have still been holding onto my heart. The distance between the two seems impossibly far at times , espectially for someone with independence and trust issues like me.
And in the despair of quitting, of surrendering, surrendering my life, my plans, and hardest of all my heart, thats exactly where Jesus met me. Its what He has been asking all along.. for me to quit. For me to realize that there is nothing I can do to change the way that He loves me..ever. That there is no part of my life that I can plan that would be more fulfilling or "safer" than what He has in store for me. That there is no part of me, no matter how ugly, that He can not refine into a beauty that reflects His perfect character. That there is nothing in this world that will fill me up in the way that I was created to be filled, besides the glory of my Heavenly Father.
So my prayer is that you will quit to. That you will quit trying to fill the deep void with things that will only bring temporary satisfaction and eternal death.That you will quit trying to protect your heart from being broken and in the process harden it to damnation. That you will quit running and rest in His open arms. That you will recognize that no matter how hard you try, you can't do it on your own.. and recognize the freedom that comes with that truth. That you will open your eyes to the fact that you are known, loved, and created perfectly. That you will experience the intimacy that you were created for, and recognize that you can only be filled by the Glory of the One who designed you in His image.
" The gospel is this: That we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus than we ever dared hope"
