Training camp: I don't even know where to start other than by saying I have never walked away from one week of my life so incredibly exhausted yet simultaneously so full of life.
I normally describle myself as someone who thrives on being busy and generally functions well on little sleep. Until last week that would have been true. I got home from camp at midnight on Monday, after going straight from camp to to days of babysitting and a 13 hour drive home, and spent the next two days incapable of leaving my house from exhaustion.
Training camp was far from what I expected but exactly what I needed. I expected to have to sleep in a tent, eat food that didn't taste great, and meet 60 new faces. I didn't expect the Lord to meet me exactly where I was at and give me a taste of His mind, breaking me down physically ,emotionally, and spiritually along the way.
Let me tell you the Lord is RELENTLESS.
First off…
I love to encourage and take care of people. Speak truth over them, affirm them and remind them that they are beloved children of the Lord.
I learned that…
I don't allow myself to be encouraged or taken care of or affirmed because I don't fully accept and believe the that truths God has for everyone else apply to myself as well. I doubt who I am in His eyes and therefore who I am as His child.
I will be honest, I struggled this week. I was frustrated as I saw others being overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit when I still felt so far away. I was frustrated because I SAW PEOPLE GET HEALED and I was hardly affected by it. I was frustrated because I wasn't where I wanted to be in my relationship with Christ and I didn't feel worthy for the World Race.
Even though I wasn't happy with myself, God showed up.
Over and over again.
When I felt far from Him, He used other people to speak life into me. When I was frustrated, He reminded me that this is a process and the journey is as important as the outcome. When I doubted if I can do the World Race, He reminded me that He uses broken people to share His love and life all of the time. That to think you have to have it all together for God to work through you is a dirty lie.
Before camp I defined myself as…
I am independent. I am a servant. I am stubborn. I am a pro at avoiding words of affirmation. I am an encourager. I am motherly.
Jesus reminded me that…
I am designed to be dependent. I am only a true servant if I allow myself to be served. I am not as stubborn as the Lord. I am designed in God's image, therefore accepting words of affrimation glorifies Him. I am only an encourager if I allow myself to be encouraged. I am a child of God, and that is the only thing that defines me.
Training camp was an absolute roller coaster ride, and I would do it all over again. I still have my doubts, struggle accepting words of affrimation and am stubborn. But Jesus isn't going to let me go, and I am so thankful for that.
