Breaking boxes.
That seems to be the theme of my life right now, and it is beautiful and messy all at the same time. Last week during debrief we were worshipping one night and a squad mate, Michelle, came up to me and asked what I wanted from the Lord right now. My answer was to know more of Him, to get passed the disconnect I feel with knowing His truths in my head but doubting them in my heart. I told her I know that there is so much more I am not experiencing and I am tired of holding myself back.
She covered me in prayer and made me stand up with outstretched arms. She then shared her vision with me.
" I see Jesus under this cramped tent, that your perceptions of Him have placed Him in. Outside the tent are glorious amounts of gifts that He wants to share with you, but in order to do so you are going to have to expand the pegs of your tent. Your tent has to grow, so that you will be able to receive all of His character. He wants the tent so big that you can run around and play tag in it with Him, childlike faith. He has already laid all of these gifts at your feet, you just have to let them into your heart"
I ended worship that night not with an all new tent, but with an all new hope. Hope that He is exactly who He says He is, and that yes the "more" that I have been so desperately searching for absolutely exists, in fact it is already given to me, I just have to break my current box because its simply not big enough to contain the gifts.
Last night my team had a challenge circle, where we went around and gave each member a challenge for the next week, mine was to: keep letting go– letting go of how I have defined myself and how I have defined the Lord. Here are a few of the things I have been breaking free of or letting go lately.
I am a very stubborn, strong-willed, and independent woman. If I decide that I am going to do something, odds are it will happen. For example, this month I decided that I need to abandon more. So I am fasting from skype, calling, texting, and facebook and my plan was to only email about once a week so that I am more focused on here and not putting my comfort in those at home. Well we get here and find out that one of our major tasks will be fundraising for a new kitchen and for the kids education at Mi Casa Kids. This involves contacting people, checking my email almost once a day, and checking FB to make causes pages for the sweet kids. There are also 5 of us on my team doing a sweets fast because we have been finding comfort in food. Last night, Melvin, the cutest 5 year old I have ever been around offered me a bite of his pop-tart. I know to most people that is no big deal, but it has frosting and sugar on it… and if I am going to do a sweets fast then I am not going to eat any sugar. Period. Well thats normally how my thought process goes, but there was no way that I could turn down the precious orphan offering to share what little he had with me. Both of these experiences have tormented me the last few days but…
I am breaking free from the belief that I am defined by the things that I do, and learning that its not about the rules that I or others instate, but its about the posture of my heart.
Yesterday, Manual, one of the house dads at the orphanage asked my team to pray for him. He said that from the moment we had walked in the door, he had sensed the Holy Spirit with and in us. He told us that he was sick in the eyes and the last eye appointment that he had, the doctors told him that he was going blind. He had a follow up appointment at 2 p.m. yesterday, so my team spent maybe 10 minutes praying over him before he left. Healing is something that I have not been around much and even though I have seen it a few times on the race, I have still not been in awe of it nor ever actually a part of it. One of my fears was that nothing would happen because of my doubt and unbelief, I want with everything in me to know the Lord in that way and believe every part of Him.. healing included, but there is still that disconnect in my head and heart that I am working through. This morning we asked Manuel how is appointment went and with teary,thankful eyes he told us that it went great, the doctors told him that his eyes were not getting any worse, but better. He said that yesterday when we were praying over him he felt like bees were buzzing on his eyes. GOD USED MY TEAM TO HEAL SOMEONE. I still can't fathom it but…
I am breaking free from the belief that my faith is too small and that it limits God, God can't and wont be limited but my doubt, my weakness proves His strength.
" My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"
2 Corinthians 12:9
I can't. I can't make my heart believe the truths that I know in my head. I can't change my doubt and unbelief. I can't break Jesus out of the box that I have tried for so long to stuff him in, because its comfortable. I can't, but He can and He will as long as I keep my eyes up and keep searching for the still small voice in my heart that brought me here.
