Beginning a romance.
When asked to describe my relationship with the Lord a few weeks ago, that was my reply because I could not seem to get enough time with Jesus. My desire for His presence, word and life was stronger and more passionate than I have ever experienced. I have forgotten that answer quite a few times since it was spoken as the busyness of ministry and exhaustion of living with 15 children who are always climbing on you, just begging to be loved takes over. As the reality of being crammed in a room with 5 other people, always having to step over bodies and clutter just to get to the door and trying to remember grace along the way sets it. And the conscious effort of trying to be ever present here while balancing the art of not abandoning the relationships from home takes its tole.
Some days thoughts of my Savior flood my mind, other days I put all other relationships in front of His. I know that I am so far from the woman that He desires me to be as I still struggle with listening to His still small voice, being diligent and passionate in prayer for others, and transcribing the knowledge I have of God in my head and onto my heart. I have a lot of stuff to work through from my past, forgiveness to extend, selfish thoughts to die to and so much more to learn from and about my Savior. Some days I get lost in the thoughts of how far I have to go and forget how far He has already taken me, I forget the romance that is beginning, sweetly beckoning my heart to follow.
So I am taking this time to reflect on the past few weeks, as a reminder to myself and to anyone else that may sometimes forget:
When you are seeking the Lord, He is constantly refining you.
But boy is it a process. It doesn't happen overnight, the hurts and habits that have taken a lifetime to form do not simply disappear and if you expect to not fall flat on your face somedays then its going to be rough when you hit the pavement. Thankfully, that fall is never one that you will make alone, Christ's comfort can exceed any circumstance and his loving arms never cease to wrap grace around us.
Last week I was walking in the Park, praying for my team and enjoying my music when I found myself in awe at the intricate tree roots that surrounded me. I thought about how they were ages old and had withstood years of trials. Immediately,
" that's when MY love for you began, it is strong and withstanding"
came to my mind. As I struggled with accepting that it was not my own voice I had heard, I was overcome with joy as my God was revealing more of His heart to me.
Another morning I got up early, and had precious time with the Lord. I asked Him questions and found my hand struggling to keep up as I recorded His answers to me.
" Open your heart, receive MY gifts that are beyond measure. You are beautiful, and I love you. You are MINE and I adore everything about you. Keep seeking MY heart, be diligent and I will bless you more than you could ever imagine. MY voice is in you, open your heart. Feel MY breeze on your face, see the leaves, MY love for you outnumbers them all one thousand fold. You are MY daughter whom I love and whom I will protect and fight for until the end of time."
This month I have chosen to give up skyping, calling, or texting my family and friends from home in a hope to seek the Lord's approval and comfort first. For so long I have turned to my best friends when I need comfort, because it is immediate and tangible. The Lord has certainly been speaking to me and comforting me, but some days it is so hard to believe. The world tells me that hearing God is crazy , that He is too far away and has far greater issues to worry about than my heart. The fact that when I ask questions, I get immediate responses allows me to wonder if It is just my own voice that I am hearing.
So I fall back again into doubt, even after I have seen and experienced truth. And its when I fall on my face that He reminds me
" My response for you is immediate because that is what you are longing for, that is the comfort you have falsely believed that you could only receive from others."
On the days that I have put other relationships and my selfish desires first, I have found myself just longing for an email from my best friend because its not always easy to go to Jesus first. Somedays I have not made the effort or taken the time for listening prayer, yet still He has not abandoned me but shared through my teammate the words He had for me.
" Sweet daughter, I am so proud of you. Please remember MY grace. I have rained this grace all around you. Focus on ME and MY goodness. I am enough to satisfy you, daughter. Trust in ME, and trust in the knowledge that I am good. I desire to give you good gifts. You are precious to ME."
As time continues I am sure that I will fail again, that growing this romance will not always be the thought that consumes my mind. I will get caught up in all of the ways that I need to change, and forget the ways that He has already changed me. Some days the doubt will be greater than the belief and I will seek comfort in places that will never actually satisfy my soul.
But the amazing truth about a romance and a relationship with Jesus is the abounding grace. His promise and proof that His love is unconditional and the gift of endless mercy when we still manage to forget His heart and love. So today I am going to choose to continue this journey of an unfolding romance with my Savior and rest in the fact that even when I fall, He is refining me every step of the way.
