This morning my best friend asked how I am doing and what is Jesus teaching me right now.
My response was a little unsettling:
I told her I feel like I am holding everything at arms length.
I am holding the truth that I graduate in one week at arms length.
I am denying the fact that I have to say goodbye to some of my best friends and leave my comfort zone at
Auburn.
I am unwilling to fully process that I am leaving the country in 4 months.
I am refusing to think about how I have no idea what I am going to do after the World race.
I am learning more and more about how I dont know what it means to really forgive.
I am continually pushing away compliments and encouragement, because for me those are easier to ignore.
I am seeing how far I have to go when it comes to choosing joy, choosing to serve, and choosing to love daily.
I am ignorning the fact that I am a beloved daughter of Christ and that Jesus pursues me EVERY single day and that it's because of His blood that I am worthy of this pursuit.
These are some things that are going on in my life right now,
some are sad and hard while others should be truths that I engrain upon my heart.
The problem is I am holding them all at arms length, I feel like there is so much going on that I don't even know where to start when it comes to processing it all, so I am just not processing anything, and let me tell you something: its not working.
I was reading a blog from Stephanie May, a current racer, and she has a video of Thialand that should be completely heart breaking, but I felt almost emotionless watching it. Thialand is the first country that I will be going to on the World Race and the last thing I want to do is get there and feel emotionless towards the pain and suffering and lies that enslave these women.
Jesus thankfully never felt emotionless, his unfathomable love is what held Him to the cross as he was sacrificed for my sins. I long to be like Jesus and love His children so much that my heart is broken for what breaks His. I want to be His hands and feet and shed light in dark places.
I can't be like Jesus and hold life at arms length, I have to embrace life as he embraced the thorn on His brow and the nails in His wrists. I can't refuse to process the good or the bad things, because all of these bring me closer to the foot of the Cross. There is no place else I would rather be, because there is no place that is closer to the heart of God than at the foot of the Cross.
