In my last blog post, I shared some about finding my identity in Christ. This is a sort of continuation on that topic, because I feel that it’s really worth talking more about. Identity has been a big theme in my life for a while now and training camp really magnified it even more. Last summer, identity was a big topic in the girls’ bible study at camp. Then came training camp. Wa-pow! Identity/ heart transformations all over the place. Several weeks after training, my pastor was starting a new sermon series, really focusing in on identity (ending this next Sunday– you still have time to catch the last sermon!).
Some of the very most important things I have learned in this season are that I am solely defined by my Father’s love for me and that we can only find who we are when we find the truth of who Jesus is.
Despite these beautiful revelations, I have still struggled to let go of one word that has held onto me and made me feel “less than”. You may think I’m crazy, but this word is “awkward”. I have used it to define myself and others have defined me this way, because I have allowed them to. I basically walked around with a label on myself that said “Hello, I’m Awkward”, giving everyone around me the permission to label me this way, too. I have seen this label so negatively and it has really defined how I live my life.
I guess what I’ve realized is that, at the root of this fear of being awkward is the fear of rejection. I don’t want to say the wrong thing, so I stumble on my words. Sometimes I simply can’t gather up enough thoughts to complete what I’m wanting to say, in a clear, cohesive sentence.
Oh boy, it’s a mess. So, anyways… you may be thinking, “So why are you sharing this? How has God redeemed this?”
Hold on a second. I’m getting there.
I think there’s still work to be done in my heart. BUT, He is good and He has done a lot already.
My mom and I were talking about this the other night… She tried to give me ideas for how to replace the way I had been identifying myself with something positive. “I am” statements have been a big part of this journey, so she was trying to fill in that third word. I kept shutting her down. I felt so awkward and it was hard to just take a word and say “That’s me now!”. It didn’t feel genuine.
One of the words she used was “accepted”. The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve found that it’s true. I don’t remember ever being rejected by those I love because I was awkward. They’ve only loved me through my struggles. I was the one not accepting “me”. I wanted to be someone else- someone who always knew the right thing to say and who was simply confident in what she knew and wanted.
Now, I am realizing that it’s okay to not always know the right thing to say or do. I can only be me and “me” is pretty great because God says so. Through His love, I have found who He is calling me to be- a confident and radiant woman of God who will move from the Father’s love and not for the love of others.
If you are struggling through some questions of who the Father says you are, I challenge you to ask Him. Please take the time to seriously consider what He says about you. Take time to pray and write out your own “I am” statements. Think about the truth of who you are. It will change you. For me, it has changed how I live my life and how I see myself. I hope and pray that you are able to live in this freedom, as well.
Blessings upon blessings, sweet friends. I love you so much!
(10 days until Launch!!!)
Abby
