Today I came across a journal entry, and I just wanted to include it on this blog as part of my journey leading up to the World Race.
03/25/15
Yesterday I got some understanding, a realization. God, your Word says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” For some reason, I have been acting contrary to that favorite verse in Psalms.
I’ve hoped you would give me the desires of my heart. I’ve served you in faith for you to give me the desires of my heart, earnestly praying and claiming things in repeated prayer. But delight myself in you? I wish I could say I was doing that…
To delight myself in you—what does that really mean?
Oh, I know how to be productive, to fill my schedule with acts of service towards you. Some strange, unsatisfied little voice in the back of my head says “delighting in God is a waste of time,” that I am not really doing anything to deserve what I am hoping for and that I’m not doing anything to get myself any closer to that which I desire. But maybe that is the whole point…
If I delight myself in Him, I’m not planning, not striving, not checking off lists as I plow through every conceivable task I think necessary to the process. No, He asks me to delight in Him.
And don’t you think it’s worth mentioning that He might want to rescue me and come through for me? Does not God Himself desire to give me that agape love He has towards me? How awful would it be to not allow someone who loves me to actually express their love? And yet maybe that is what I am doing when I try to take over, burden myself with the whole task and turn to do things for Him instead of with Him.
If I really believe He is the rescuer of my soul, the healer of my heart and the deepest love of my life, how could I not then yield all my trust, all my trying, all my doing and all my striving over to Him?
If there was only one reason why I want to go on the World Race, if every service effort seemed unsuccessful, if there were complications, illness, team conflict, frustration, exhaustion, and all kinds of pressure and hardship, if there was one reason I wanted to go on the World Race, it would be this:
To deepen my relationship with God, to wade in the infinite waters of His love for me, to be overwhelmed by His grace and to behold His glory to fill a lifetime of praise and honor back to Him.
I want to know what it really means to delight myself in the Lord, not only so I may receive what He would give me, but also to delight in Him so much that I no longer strive for those desires of my heart, so that I don’t seek them out just for myself and that I will stop working for the things He’s trying to give me.
I want to delight in Him such a way that it turns my deepest desires into afterthoughts. When He comes through for me and provides for me, I hope to be more caught up in Him than whatever He just gave me. I want to delight in Him solely for the purpose that He is worthy. He is so amazing and magnificent in and of Himself, and I want to get caught up in it—utterly distracted by His love and seeking His face, searching His heart.
I want to show up in Heaven and have this feeling of, “Oh, it’s so nice to finally put a face to the name!”, as if we have always been talking and writing each other for so long, learning each other and having relationship with each other. But then once I see His face, I’m absolutely amazed, and my world has just infinitely expanded.
“Lord, I pray every creative endeavor, every mission trip and every project—even every significant relationship is about being caught up in delighting myself in you, Lord—because you, ‘Abba Father’, are worth it.”
