This is Part 2 of my blog on what I have been learning about health on the race. In writing this (much longer than usual) blog, I am learning to be more apologetically vulnerable in an effort to connect with someone who may have experienced some of the same things as me.
This has to do with more of an internal struggle for me personally, rather than maybe some of the more noteworthy or fun facts about life on an 11-month trip to 11 different countries. But this really isn’t meant to impress everyone; instead, I write this for the few who may also be going through a similar internal battle with food.
This is from a journal entry from last month in the Philippines.
June 15, 2016
Now let’s talk about eating…
Ok, I love trying new and exciting foods around the world, but there is a strong chance that I have looked for more than only nutritional value in the food that I eat.
Its comfort is a mask for disappointment and a band-aid for those broken legs of emotion that just seem too difficult to handle. I wish this wasn’t true, but it just is. So I curb the pain with another pancake or one more fried something so that the feeling of an overly full stomach is more apparent than deeper plaguing emotions.
I go on ignoring the chronic subtle and simmering feelings of discontentment in myself, about certain things, and discomforting disappointment of people in the relationships around me.
Maybe I have even used food to soothe disappointment I have with God. Have I ever really been willing to admit that to myself? Have I ever owned up to the fact that His ways, though they are not mine, are painful at times?
Too often and without even realizing it, I think and live this way:
“But since He’s God, I’m not allowed to be frustrated with Him, right? I mean He is God Almighty and always just so perfect, that none of my emotions against Him are valid, right?”
I don’t have such an easy regimen for this one. I don’t have the same control over food as I did back home, but more importantly, I don’t quite know the real reasons for my disappointments in the first place.
So that’s where I am with God right now.
That was written about 2 weeks ago. Since then I am learning to accept that all emotions are valid—every bad day, every pit in my stomach, every time I need space and every disappointment. It’s ok that not everything is ok all the time. Acting like is (ok all the time) always makes things worse. And trying to eat the pain away always adds to it.
I share this, because I realize that nutrition and exercise is so closely connected emotional health and wellbeing. In an effort to blind myself from disappointments, I distract myself with food. I don’t always admit to myself how I am really doing so I just turn to something else. There have been days it feels like I am winning in this battle and other days I want to retreat. It affects how I view myself and how I connect with others and how I connect with God.
No one really wants to talk about being disappointed with God. It has to do with misplaced expectations I have of Him. I feel shame about realizing that I have believed something wrong about Him, watching situations unfold inevitably and unfavorably out of my control. Most of the time, I can see in retrospect the reasons why God leads me in certain ways. But usually in the middle of things turning out worse than I thought or more difficult than I expected or more challenging personally, I am trying so hard not to be disappointed.
One of the biggest things I am learning in my walk with God is trust. He has a plan, and it’s the right plan. He owes me no explication on how He does things. He always takes care of me, regardless of whether He is giving me what I think I really want or what I actually need.
Realizing that I am disappointed in Him is really the first step to deepening my trust in Him. Because the truth is that if I hold on to a false idea of Him, instead of genuinely pursuing relationship for who really He is, than I have already missed it; and disappointment is inevitable. Holding on to a wrong idea of God instead of pursuing who He really is – is still sending me in the wrong direction.
So what does my relationship with food have to do with my relationship with God? For me, and I will bet for many people, eating is an enjoyable thing. But when other things around me, or what I am dealing with internally is not so enjoyable, it is SO EASY to take just one more bite of temporary bliss.
The thing is, if what I am using to comfort me emotionally is not God, than I have stepped into quicksand and I am on my way to fighting a losing battle. Because the thing is that food will never make things better on the inside. It is literally just a substance meant to feed and sustain the human body. That’s it. It won’t fix a bad situation or give you the words to say to someone one you need to confront. It won’t make everything all better. I’m sorry. I know it FEELS that way sometimes, but those cravings and those feelings and the comfort of food is what got us in trouble for turning to food, for emotional stability, in the first place. So spelling it out and calling out food for what it is, might just be the first step to letting go as a crutch.
As far as healthy eating goes, what I have found is that for me, this boils down to loving myself: using discipline to make good choices and respect the body I have, rather than abusing it to numb emotions (that I should be handling in other ways). The body has its own signals and clues for what fuels it and what drags it down.
What I have found is that part of being healthy is not only learning the body’s signals (feeling being hungry, full, energized, tired…etc) but also learning those emotional signals too by asking myself how I am really doing:
“Do I need to pull away from people for a while right now?”
“Is this person really bothering me or should I accept them and move on?”
“Am I going to confront them or forgive them or bottle it up or let it go?”
“Why am I not content with myself right now?”
“Is this thought a lie or a truth?”
“What am I choosing to believe about this situation or this person?” (The list could go on and on…)
The thing about food is that it is literally an everyday opportunity to find something that gives me lasting energy, or fall prey to a craving for something that will make me feel worse 15 minutes after I finished it. Just because I am in an exotic place, doesn’t mean I always have to put my metabolism through the ringer by trying every single new treat that my travels have to offer. Pretty soon, things do start to taste the same.
Another thing about trying new things and eating cultural foods, is sometimes IT’S REALLY WORTH OFFENDING SOMEONE by refusing to eat whatever fried or starchy or overly sweet thing they put in front of you. I realize that it may come off as bad manners to refuse someone else’s prepared food, but you’re the one who has to live with the consequences—whether it’s diarrhea, constipation, or just a sugar crash. After a while, of trying to please people, your body becomes so drained and tired of food that does not fuel it well.
There is a way to kindly refuse food that is offered, and I am not condoning purposely offending your host. But you have every right to protect your body by feeding it fruits and veggies instead of other convenient but not so helpful foods in the long run. Find other ways to connect and relate with people around you. You can get creative here 😉 Learn what foods actually treat your body well and what makes you drained. For example, in the morning, after a cup of black coffee and high-fiber oatmeal, I feel balanced and energized. But if I eat the same white-flour pizza as everyone else at a party, pretty soon I am not enjoying the party quite as much…
This concludes Part 2 of my blogs on what I have been learning about health on the race. Even though it feels uncomfortable vulnerable posting about my experiences on this topic, I hope this encourages and comforts someone going through some of the same things.
Thank you for reading.
