“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.” –Frodo Baggins
This sounds a little dramatic, but the main point is what I’m feeling as my Race draws to a close and the time to go home inches closer each day. I’ve talked about Frodo and his journey a few times before, but I have never felt closer to a character than I do right now. This might seem silly, but it’s important to me to try to liken my journey to one that other people will understand so that they will understand me a little better when I get home.
These past 11 months have been an incredible experience. I left my normal life to pursue an adventure that I knew would change me forever and I haven’t been disappointed. There’s no going back to my old life because, in some ways, the old me doesn’t exist anymore. I have been changed by my experiences around the world and I’ve seen things that I can’t un-see and learned things that I can’t forget. Much like Frodo, I have travelled a long way from home to find that “it’s a dangerous business stepping out your front door.”
While I have been changed this year, I’m not an unrecognizable version of myself. I still like the same things, do the same things, and love the same people. From talking to a few people from home, I have two major fears. One is that I won’t have changed enough. People have said things to me that imply that I will be this new person who will have all of these new thoughts and ideas, which is true, but I’m still me. I’m not a completely different person. I’m improved in a lot of ways, more broken in others, but at the end of the day, I’m still Abby.
The second fear is that people won’t even notice that I’m home. While I’ve been gone, everyone has gone about their daily lives and done what they’ve always done. I’m the one who left. They have molded their routines to eliminate me because I wasn’t there. If I don’t come back and make myself different enough, then I won’t be needed. People have made do without me so unless I have something new to offer them, I’ve become obsolete. It’s small things that make me nervous for this, such as not getting replies to emails and messages from close friends or missing updates on people because I’m just not there. Even things like when I asked for questions about the Race in my last blog and didn’t get any replies. I know that people at home still love me and care about me, but do I have a place there now?
I know that when I get home, I will begin to pick up my old life, fall into a routine, and make a place for myself, but it’s nerve-wracking to have to wait in the unknown. Not knowing if it will be all you remembered or if it will be so different that it doesn’t feel like home anymore. Having to wait to find out if you’re too different to go back or not different enough to be needed anymore is a scary thing.
There’s less than two weeks of my Race left and I have begun to understand what people mean when they say there’s no going back after the Race. Your experiences have changed you, but they have not made you unrecognizable and it’s important to remember that. Unlike Frodo, I am going back to a life I know I can live with. While I have been changed, I am still very much the same and I know that wherever I’m headed there is a great story to be lived out for many years to come.
Please keep my squad and me in your prayers as we make this one last transition home and try to figure out where to start on this next step of our journey.
