This month has been completely different than what I expected, and not necessarily in a good way. South Africa and Beam Africa are unbelievably amazing, but what I didn’t factor into my “Awesomeness Equation” for my first experience in Africa was the emotional toll that has been taken on my teammates and I over the past 5 months that was bound to rear its ugly head at some point, and with me, it just happens to be now, for such a time as this.
I’ve never really considered myself an emotionally messy person. I cry a normal amount (before the Race that is) , I don’t get angry very easily, I keep my cool in high-pressure situations (unless there’s blood involved), I don’t usually get scared, and in general, I’m just a pretty happy person. I’ve been pretty lucky in my life as well in the sense that I don’t have a lot of emotional baggage. In short, I’m a fairly mold-able person and can usually find commonalities with just about anyone, but lately it has been becoming harder and harder to find those commonalities all the time, thus making some of my relationships less than pleasant (DVH if you ever read this, please note that I did indeed bust out a ‘thus’ in my blog). These not so stellar relationships have really affected the way I act, feel, talk, and most importantly, my relationship with the Lord.
This past week, I finished reading The Shack for the second time, and it turns out that reading a book that powerful at age 22 brings out a lot of different things than when you read it first at age 18. One of the things that has really stuck with me since finishing it is a passage about lies.
“Lies are one of the easiest places for survivors to run. They give you a sense of safety, a place where you have to depend only on yourself. But it’s a dark place isn’t it? But are you willing to give up the power and safety it promises you? That’s the question… Lies are a little fortress; inside them you can feel safe and powerful. Through your little fortress of lies you try to run your life and manipulate others. But the fortress needs walls, so you build some. These are the justifications for your lies. You know, like you are doing this to protect someone you love, to keep them from feeling pain. Whatever works, just so you feel okay about your lies.”
I tell myself a lot of lies every day. I justify my lies just as much every day.
I tell myself that bottling up my emotions is better for everyone else because then no one gets hurt. It avoids the messiness of life, making everything run more smoothly and efficiently. Emotions are messy, why bother?
I tell myself that what I have to say about the hard stuff doesn’t really matter anyway because I’ve never had a terrible thing happen to me in my entire life so I should just keep my mouth shut. It avoids misunderstandings and false sympathy.
I tell myself that everything that I deal with is small and insignificant because I have been so incredibly blessed. Why should I complain about anything when there are those who have it so much harder than me? It keeps me from sounding petty.
I tell myself that I don’t know how to be vulnerable with people. It’s too hard and they might think less of me because then they’ll know what I’m really like. It avoids a lot of questions and a lot of tears.
I tell myself that I don’t need much in the way of emotional support or help. It helps me hide the fact that I don’t know how to communicate my feelings and also that I’m even broken in the first place. It avoids the scary parts of living in community. The parts that might actually show that I’m not who I think I am. The only Abby I’ve ever known.
All of these lies that I tell myself everyday make it really hard for me to love my teammates all the time, but as long as I’m safe inside my “little fortress” of lies what does it matter? I’m safe. I’m protected in there. I know those walls better than anything I’ve ever built. Why leave the known for the unknown?
Why risk it? Why choose to trust someone else when I can do everything on my own?
I’ll tell you my conclusions in my next blog… Stay perched on the very edge of your seats!
