So we’re in Peru. Peru is so many things, but so far it has not been my favorite place in the world. It’s hard here. It’s hot, it’s sandy, it’s dirty, it’s emotional, it’s crowded, but I think that in the last week and a few days I have learned a lot about myself and my story that I never would have learned anywhere else.
My whole life, I’ve felt like I have no story and it has made me feel like a second rate Christian, which has translated into me feeling like a second rate person with a lot of self-confidence issues. Everyone knows I’m not the most confident person, but I do a pretty good job at hiding how deep it actually goes. My whole life I’ve felt like I’m not good enough at anything and that I’m second rate and it has manifested itself in ways that are not emotionally or spiritually healthy. My whole life, I’ve let people walk all over me and treat me like a doormat because I thought if I didn’t that they wouldn’t like me and I’d end up alone. I thought it was a lot better to let my friends take advantage of me than to have none. I thought if I was really nice, really funny, baked them cookies, drove them places, told them they were better than me, and all of these other things, that they would see me as good enough and worthy of their time. That’s why my whole life I have surrounded myself with male friends, so that I could feel good about myself and like I was worthy of attention and so that I could get that validation from them instead of from God. To tell you the truth, I decided to come on the Race because I thought it would make my family proud of me. I wanted to look like I was doing something worthwhile so that my parents, aunts, uncles, grandma, cousins, and whoever else, would look at me and think that I am doing something good and in turn think that I am good enough. I know that having the approval of others isn’t going to make me feel better about myself, but having God’s approval is so much harder to grasp because He isn’t physically here to tell me that I’m good enough or to give me a hug when I have a rough day. It’s so much easier to know it in my head than it is to feel it in my heart, but it’s not as fulfilling. I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that letting people walk all over me isn’t honoring to God and that seeing myself as less than what I am is not ok, but it’s so hard.
The other night, we had an all girls vulnerability night where the women of my squad just shared what they are walking through right now, and the issue of comparison came up a lot, and we had this great prayer time where they forgave themselves for comparing themselves and forgave the people who made them feel less, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do that yet. I’m not ready to forgive myself because at this point, no matter how much I look at myself in the mirror, I’m still going to feel like I’m not enough. Like I’m not worthy. Like I have to come second and that my thoughts and feelings aren’t as important as everyone else’s. I know it’s not healthy, but that’s where I’m at right now and it’s a process. I hate the process, but I know I’m going to love the end result. Also, I'm so thankful for my loving teammates and the words that they have spoken over me while I've been processing this and that I know they love me even if' I'm not funny, or extra nice, and can't bake them cookies.
On another note, my next fundraising deadline is coming up soon and I’m still about $4,000 short, so if you feel led to contribute I would be forever grateful!
