I’ve been learning these past few months that in a relationship, if you want something, sometimes you have to be the first to give it. If I want my team to be vulnerable with me, maybe I need to be vulnerable first. For me, the most vulnerable I could possibly be is talking about my issues with self-image and physical appearance. I have started reading a book called “Made to Crave” and it has really helped to shed some light on things that I have struggled with my entire life. A lot of my insecurities stem from the way I look and how I perceive myself because of my weight.
In one of the first chapters of the book, the author challenges us to make a list of how we would describe our identity in the same manner that she had done. This was probably the first honest list I’ve ever made of how I perceive myself. I’m really good at sugar-coating things because it’s not ok to be this open or honest with anyone because they might try and fix me. They might think I have problems. They might look down upon me or even worse, they might pity me. But I’m tired of sugar-coating and I’m ready to be vulnerable. Not just with my team or my squad, but with everyone.
This is the list I made to describe my identity:
Abby, the girl who is too overweight to be great at anything
Abby, the girl not good enough to be seen as pretty by a boy
Abby, the girl too insecure to speak
Abby, the girl too self-conscious to do what she wants
Abby, the girl incapable of leading anyone, including herself
Abby, the most inflexible girl in the entire world
After this, the author quickly goes into a list of who God says I am:
Abby, the forgiven child of God (Romans 3:24)
Abby, the set free child of God (Romans 8:1-2)
Abby, the accepted child of God (1 Corinthians 1:2)
Abby, the Holy child of God (1 Corinthians 1:30)
Abby, the made-new child of God (2 Corinthians 5:17)
Abby, the loved child of God (Ephesians 1:4)
Abby, the close child of God (Ephesians 2:13)
Abby, the confident child of God (Ephesians 3:12)
Abby, the victorious child of God (Romans 8:37)
This is the list of where my identity should truly lie, not it the perception I have of myself or the perception I fear others have of me, but it’s such a hard thing to change. I’ve had these self-perceptions for at least fifteen years and they aren’t going to change in a day, but I’m working on it. Sometimes I feel like the things I worry about are so insignificant because they seem like such easy things to change, but to be honest, it’s so hard. You can’t change your eating and health habits overnight anymore than you can change your decades old self-image thought process in a day. This is a journey that I have to take with the Lord and trust that He will be all I need and to stop relying on the physical things I have run to in the past.
