It’s time to get real with you guys. Training Camp brought out a lot of emotions for me and things that I didn’t even realize that I felt. The truth is, before camp, I was in a bad place. Spiritually and emotionally. I’m a pro at not feeling things because I think it’s not ok for me to put my emotions out in the open because whatever other people are feeling is more important. The same goes for my spirituality. I was so scared to show my actual feelings about God and my relationship with Him because the way other people express themselves spiritually was obviously better than mine. What I took away from camp is that I am a valid person. I don’t have to continually worry about what other people are thinking or feeling. It’s not my job to fix people or to make myself think that my feelings don’t matter just because other people are going through things too.
I’ve always known that God loves and cares for me, but I did not know how much until training camp. I love that God knows that the best way to teach me something is through humor and irony. He gets it. I love that He knows I don’t like to be the center of attention and He doesn’t have me express myself that way. I love that He knows how I work and think and feel and I don’t even have to try and explain myself to Him.
He .
Just.
Gets.
It.
It’s so comforting to know that even when I feel completely out of my element like I did at camp (I mean come on, I was legit camping in a tent for goodness sakes! That’s not really what I do with my spare time usually) He’s got my back and I didn’t have to do anything for Him to be there for me. He made me with all of my flaws and downfalls and idiosyncrasies and He still loves me more than I could ever fathom. That’s something that has taken me a long time to get through my head. That someone could see all the bad parts of me and still love me unconditionally. It’s still something I’m working on.
I guess what I’m saying I learned at training camp is that it’s completely okay for me to be a real person (Ta-Da! Epiphany!), to have real thoughts and emotions and insecurities because that’s what will make me grow as a person and also in my faith. Loving God, and even other people, isn’t a formula that I can learn from someone else. I have to make it my own and continually work at it. I also can’t let what others think of me and my worship impact what I do and don’t do. Who cares if I want to sing louder than everyone else? Why does it matter if I feel like raising my hands in praise? They only things that matter in these moments are between God and me, not other people’s perceptions of me or how I worship. In order for me to grow I have to get out of my own way.
“ You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:13
