Let’s get real here for a minute. It’s month 10. I’ve got less than 8 weeks left here and I’m a mess in almost every sense of the word.
Physically, I look like I just rolled out of bed on a daily basis because what’s the point in trying to look presentable when you’re just going to get dirty 5 minutes after stepping out the door. I’ve stopped trying to make my hair do anything normal and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve worn make-up in the last six months.
Emotionally, I’m working on a lot. I’m still working on figuring out who I am, I’m not entirely sure where I’m going, and it’s open season for mood swings. I cry at the drop of a hat and the stupidest things send me on a laughing spree. My emotions are all over the place!
The closer it gets to December, the more real everything becomes and the realization that the Race is not exactly real life sets in a little more with each passing day. I’m beginning to realize that people at home won’t always be quite as gracious as the people on my team. I’m realizing that this amazing community that I’ve built here isn’t going to follow me home. I’m realizing that while the Race has been one of the most difficult seasons of my life, it’s going to be one of the hardest to leave. Pretty soon I’ll be able to taste all the freedoms I’ve been missing like driving wherever I want or eating whatever I want or actually going for a walk by myself, but what will I be missing in return?
I’ve asked my team countless times if the Race can just please go on forever and they all just laugh a little and shake their heads. If I could just get one of them to give a resounding “yes!” then maybe it wouldn’t have to stop. We could do our own Race after everyone else has gone home and I would never have to face America again.
After getting our information for our flights home, everything just seems so much more real. There’ s a tangible end in sight and it’s terrifying. I’m already having to dodge questions about what my plans for the future are or when I’m going to do this or that or when I’m going to get a “real job” and all of these things that scare the crap out of me.
Part of the reason I decided to do the Race was because I had no idea what came after college. I didn’t know how to be an adult. I didn’t want to be tied down to a place I didn’t like or do a job I thought I would like but actually hated. I still feel that way. I thought that going on the Race would solve a lot of problems about my future, but it hasn’t. I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up, I don’t know how to get a job that I actually like, and if we’re being honest, I have no idea how to even begin to look for a place to live on my own. I thought that at the end of these incredible 11 months, I would magically know how to be an adult. I’d magically know how to do my taxes and have a 5 year plan all mapped out. Much to my surprise, it doesn’t work like that. There are still thousands of unanswered questions.
However, even though all of these things make me feel like a mess on the inside and the outside, the one that thing that I can say I’ve learned for certain on the Race is that God is with me through all of my uncertainties, through all of my emotions, through all of my unmet expectations, and all of my celebrations. He doesn’t care that I don’t know how to do my taxes or that I don’t know what I’m doing past December 7, 2013. He has everything laid out for me exactly the way He has intended. He doesn’t care that I have about fifteen different life goals at the moment or that I have too many things I want to do. As long as I remember to put Him at the center of everything, then all of my mess will be manageable and maybe even a little enjoyable.
