I have been sitting in front of this computer for an hour avoiding this blog completely, I have straight up been scrolling through Facebook instead of writing it. This is actually kind of hysterical since I’ve spent a week trying to come up with what to write my next blog about. I have even been really excited to share with you guys again, that is until God revealed to me what he wanted me to write about. Then I was like “naw I’m good, I think I’ll just keep that to myself.” He was definitely having no part of that and I have spent the day CONVICTED. So here I am, begrudgingly writing this blog…
So, here’s the deal. I am an extremely outgoing person and love sharing my life with people but only when it comes to surface level stuff. I will listen and offer my advice and opinion on anything that you want me to but I never open up myself. I never let people into my brokenness. And I was perfectly happy doing this until a few months ago when God used my (then current) relationship, some really bad anxiety, and a few sermons to highlight how much it was affecting my mental health, my relationship with Christ and my relationships with others. If we are being honest (which is kind of the point in this) I really don’t even like inviting God into my brokenness. BUT, over the last several months I have been working on this through prayer and by actively seeking others (specifically one person) out in my pain, my fear, and even my joy. But right now I feel like God is really pushing me to invite you guys into my brokenness and my fear and that, my friends, is what this blog is all about.
So, I am obviously not the most physically fit person and one of my biggest fears starting this entire process is that I won’t meet the physical requirements of the race on time. And I haven’t told most people (read: literally not ONE SINGLE PERSON) that this is my biggest fear moving forward because in all reality, I am embarrassed that it is even a fear to begin with. And when people ask questions about it, I brush them off with an “If this is what God is calling me to then he will provide.” But, don’t get me wrong, I whole-heartedly believe that God will provide and that he will come through for me but the reality of this is I still have to show up and I still have to put in the work. And I wasn’t, like at all, up until this week.
A year ago I started a weight loss journey and lost somewhere around 45 pounds, I really changed my lifestyle and started being consciously aware of what I was putting in my body. And I pretty much stuck to this even when I wasn’t meticulously counting macros and writing down every crumble of food I ate. But the minute that I knew I needed to start training for the race I stopped all of that, I allowed myself to eat junk again, and I fell into some past eating habits that I had broken long ago. It took a week of letting myself fall apart and feel terrible before I realized that I was doing it and at that point it was game over, I wasn’t letting it happen anymore. I talked to my friend about it, started training at the gym and have been meticulously recording foods and counting carbs most of the week.
But the real question is, why did I let myself get to that point in the first place?
The answer…
I may have been outwardly trying to act like this was something I had given to God but the bottom line is, I hadn’t. I was letting myself be eaten up with fear and thoughts of failure; I was so afraid of that failure that I wouldn’t even let myself start the journey. But stepping out into this small part of my journey I already feel even better and am so thankful that I have a God who provides grace and conquers fear!
On a similar topic, I will be undergoing a really minor foot surgery on June 19 to have my plantar fascia released. Although this isn’t that big of a deal the incision will be on the bottom of my foot so full recovery could take some time. Please be praying for me as I continue training throughout the recovery process and on! Thanks guys!!
I also just want to say a huge thanks to the people who have already supported me and bought T-shirts! I have a few fundraisers that I will hopefully be rolling out over the next few weeks so keep an eye out on facebook and my blog!
You guys are so incredible and I appreciate you all more than you know!!
