Well it’s been a while since I’ve blogged and there are so many things that I could talk about considering all that has happened over the past few weeks. For now though, I’m gonna get real honest and vulnerable with all of you.
Something that I’ve struggled with in the past is depression. Ahh I hate this already haha. It’s something that I’ve never really talked about or dealt with but something I’ve struggled with off and on for a few years. I always thought something was wrong with me and I didn’t understand how i could feel so sad even though i had a pretty great life. I had a loving family and good friends and i still just felt numb. For a long time joy was something i longed for but even in the midst of smiling and laughing, joy was nonexistent. I was hurting and lost so of course i was searching for something to numb the pain or fix how I was feeling. High school was hard enough for me and then you add depression to the mix and it was just plain miserable. I thought mayeb smoking weed or drinking excessively would help me feel better but when it came down to it, i was only making things worse. I was only numbing myself more and more. For a long time I was really lost and i kept thinking that God wasnt enough. In some twisted way i thought that finding something to make me feel less, would actually make me feel better but i was so wrong.
Eventually i broke down and gave it all to Jesus. I’m not saying that i was healed of it right away but i had finally found something that didn’t only help for a night. In Jesus, I found love. I found a Father who never wanted his daughter to be hurting like i was.
I wish i could say i know exactly where I’m going with this but i would be lying, because this is really uncomfortable for me and i have no idea why I’m talking about this. It‘s just that over the past few weeks it’s something I’ve noticed myself struggling with again. I‘ve been feeling so off and i just haven’t been able to pin point it. Here I am, living this amazing life in Costa Rica where i get to help others and I’m surrounded by incredible people who love me yet i still feel so alone. I go out and do things that should fill me with happiness but stead i feel numb. it’s definitely something that I’ve swept under the rug for a long time but now i‘m being very honest about it. I am giving it ALL to God and I’m learning how to work through it even when it sucks and feels impossible.
I’m not sharing this so that i can have people feel sad for me, I’m sharing this because i know I’m not alone. Depression is real and it sucks and there’s really no way to describe it. but it’s also something that, with God, can be overcome. Some days are really really good and some days are really really tough, but IT’S OKAY. It’s okay to not be okay. I feel like I’m just supposed to share that God is bigger than anything in this world, even if it’s an overwhelming sadness. He can take it away and if you just give it to Him, He will.
On another note, my fundraising deadline is coming up this month and i still have quite a ways to go. I know that if I’m meant to stay here then God will provide but i also know that if He has something else planned for me, then it will happen. If you are feeling led to donate or would just like to help a girl out then you can click on the donate tab on my blog! I really appreciate all of the love and support i continue to receive as I’m away from home, it means the world to me.
love, abs.
