Have you ever tried to smash an ant with your finger and it just won’t die? That is how I felt at the beginning of this summer, like the ant. But here is the cool thing, even when you try to smash it a couple of times, that ant seems to run even faster and harder than before.
Now I don’t want this to seem like I’m just taking some time to vent and complain because that would be too easy. I want to share all of this because it is a pretty cool (and hard) learning experience that maybe could encourage others.
I had this summer planned. Everything was going to run so smoothly so I could focus on fundraising. However, that is just not the way things have rolled out so far. I had a couple of great summer jobs fall through, my car went missing, and all of the sudden fundraising seemed impossible. Even though it never outwardly showed, I was so stressed and afraid. Part of me already felt defeated.
I started to think about how easy my summer would have been if I hadn’t signed up for the World Race. I would be having a blast sharing the gospel with kids at the best camp ever. I would probably also have my first teaching job lined up and preparing to move into my first big girl apartment. I wouldn’t be internally stressing about meeting deadlines and buying gear to backpack around the world. I begin to dream about the weight of this pressure being lifted of my shoulders.
Thankfully, I had some wonderful, God-given people in my life who were consistently praying for me. They also reminded me that it is pretty normal for barriers to come when you’re preparing for ministry. They encouraged me to not be overcome with fear and doubt but with strength and courage.
It is really easy to listen to those doubts. I’m not going to lie either, I battle it pretty much every day. However, God is pretty good up shutting up those doubts. This piece of scripture showed up on a day that I really needed it:
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
I learned that a lot of my “burdens” were the things that made me feel safe: money, job security, a car, a plan. These were the things that I knew could guarantee my future. This is how I was going to know that I would make it to the World Race. Now that a good amount of my security was gone I really was relying on God day by day.
Those first few weeks of summer were terrifying. I had no idea what was going on with my life. Then, I just started having the mentality of taking it one day at a time with God. After a couple of days, it was actually a relief to just wake up, pray, and give God control.
I ended up finding a small part-time job, getting my car back, and even making my first fundraising deadline! All of this has definitely not been the way I planned but I think definitely the way God planned. If I sit back and think about my banged up car, my next fundraising deadline, or the amount of things I still need in order to go on the World Race, I could throw up. Fortunately, I really am becoming o.k. with the unknown.
I would definitely rather work on the courage it takes to humbly trust God than sit and worry about tomorrow. I’m not saying it’s easy, but that’s faith. That is what we are called to do. I think it’s something we have to consciously do everyday. So today (and hopefully everyday from now) I say “God, I let go. You take control while I sit and wait in the unknown.”
