In complete honesty, I’ve had many hours over the last two weeks to process this semester and to even look back on my life. The Lord has done an incredible work in me that has made the last two weeks feel like years. Scripture promises us that He will restore the lost years (JOEL 2:25) and He sure made that promise true. I’ve been inspired with creative ideas for how to use my time well when all of us are back to being normal humans and not being quarantined, and I’ve cried many tears of restoration and seen Him stitch up my old wounds and even re-break them to teach me new things and to do a long lasting healing. I have a whole new mindset on God being my Father and me being His child. Never before a few days ago had I felt so deeply adored by the Lord and known that He’s not kidding about adopting us— we really are His kids and we really have a new identity.
You see my point. Me and God haven’t wasted a moment together in the last two weeks. No school, no work, no leaving my home, just us talking a lot and healing a lot.
But tonight I was hit with the tough reality about how much we just can’t go back. And there is so much that I wish I could go back and change.
I was a cheerleader in high school and most of middle school, yet there were maybe 3 people throughout the years on my team who I talked to. I started out with major social anxiety, where I would cry for hours on my bathroom floor feeling like I shouldn’t even go to the party because I would just be a joke. As I got deeper into high school, I think I was so taken over by pride. I felt like I was different than the other girls because of my faith, and almost like I was better than them because I was the only one who had never snuck out of my house. I wish I had given the girls more of a chance. I wish I had gone to that party. I wish I had met with them right where they were and been a friend to them if they were to me or not. I wish I had used my faith as an olive branch to reach out and not a weapon of pride to use against them.
Throughout my junior and senior year of high school, I had three friends pass away. Two of them were to suicide. They were also both girls I cheered with and had known for so much of my life. I wish I had reached out more. I wish I had noticed the signs. I wish I had told them more often how loved they were and how cared for they were (and always will be).
My senior year of high school I was a dual enrollment student. That means I took part high school classes and part college classes. I also worked 3 days a week. I had about three hours every day after school with absolutely nothing to do. I wish I hadn’t wasted it watching TV. I wish I had invested more in my friendships. I wish I had taken advantage of the local pizza shop or coffee shop or some place else where I could encourage the person next to me rather than sit on my couch until work started.
There are so many parts of my life that I wish I could go back and change, mainly in high school. I wish I had been a better person and not so overwhelmed by pride and insecurity and a victim mentality.
But on the same note— I continue to pray that I don’t let the past have so much power. I have SO many wishes for what life would have looked like and who I wish I was, but over everything else, God uses everything we go through in every season, and I know that now. High school was full of so many hurts that I refused to face until even the last few months, but also so many memories that I will never forget.
Because in all honesty— maybe I didn’t go to that party, but I did go to three proms in two years. I left senior homecoming early to get ice cream and take off my heels with my best friends of the time. At my last prom ever, we did a mini photoshoot in the Barnes and Noble (and yes, I did buy 4 new books). One specific day when I had those hours off between school and work, I drove out to go rock climbing with a new friend. I worked my butt off to not fail my pre-cal class and even got a tutor. I found a church that grew my faith in unexplainable ways and I took charge of my own faith. I took a huge risk in fixing one of the most shattered relationships of my life and definitely got cut by the glass (metaphorically), but also learned the true value of forgiveness. I went cliff jumping LITERALLY (and did not enjoy it). I learned about my love and respect for tattoos (I now have 3). I took two of the girls I cheered with to my church and got to know them better than just on the sidelines. I enjoyed soooooo many photoshoots with my photographer friends.
Those are the things to remember.
This life is not even near perfect. It never will be, but I wrote this hoping to remind all of us that it is still something so beautiful. I think all of us have regrets about the way we have lived and treated people, but it is the most incredible thing about the Lord that He keeps no record of our wrongs and He desires to one day wipe away every tear and bring us home to heaven. What a day that will be.
