I was scrolling through my camera roll the other day just deleting old photos, and I came across a photo that really sparked something in my brain.
Here I am in 2018:
I had almost forgotten that this photo existed. This night is one that was essential to the change that I found in Christ a few months later.
It was New Years Eve, and I decided that I wanted to host a slumber party if you will. I had over my closest friends at the time, and we spent hours getting ready. We found perfect jackets to match our outfits, I spent an entire Urban Outfitters gift card on the romper I’m wearing, and we did each other’s makeup. Very girl like. My mom didn’t let us leave the house for fear of drunk drivers and all those things, so we did a photo shoot in my living room.
There was nothing on the surface wrong with the night. Sure we gossiped and probably weren’t as nice to others or each other as we could have been, and maybe yeah I felt left out at my own party, but we were just friends having fun and being girly. But in my spirit I knew I couldn’t continue to live like I was, and that there actually WAS something very wrong. I was trying so hard to fit in. I was simply playing a part to try to be the girl that everyone liked, the girl that hopefully GUYS might like, and I was on the verge of making some really bad decisions if I had continued down that path. Maybe not right away, but my mindset of needing to seek approval in other people would have destroyed me before I knew it.
I was so good at covering it up on social media, making everything about the journey I was on in faith, being honest about my struggles. Nobody knew. I was well known and recognized everywhere I went for how inspiring I was to others, but I knew. I didn’t like who I was.
. I don’t even recognize this girl anymore.
In the next few months I was seeking out deeper friendships, having really difficult conversations, trying to find solutions for my battle with anxiety, and leaving the church I grew up at. My convictions were calling for a change in who I was and how I viewed God.
By 2019, we end up here:
Passion 2019. This is me and my friend Emmie, who is currently travelling across the world for the sake of the gospel. We hung out the whole conference, ate breakfast together I think every morning, and ended up becoming really good friends (also total GOOFBALLS. I was in need of a friend like that)
Passion City Church had taken me in when I was probably at my lowest point in life. I stayed after church every Sunday the last half of 2018 praying for friends who would uplift me, peace in my life to come, and a closer relationship with God. I prayed harder and more often in those few months than I probably had the rest of my life combined. I was in desperate need for a personal connection to Him, a CHANGE to happen. Those prayers are what got me to conference, what made me so steady in the midst of moving from my old life to the new.
I could cry all over my keyboard trying to explain how much Passion City impacted me. I never knew that people could love and accept me for how broken I was (and am) and I never knew that God could love me as much as he does all the time.
2019 set my faith on fire again. My one thought for the year was to become more like Jesus, whatever that took.
I was tired of putting on a fake image. I was tired of taking all the credit for myself when I knew that any talent that had been given to me came from the Lord. I was tired of feeling victimized and helpless when the Lord had given me unimaginable strength.
2019 came with its fair share of trials as well, but this time I knew I wasn’t alone. I had a community who cared a lot, and I had God. I always had Him, but this time I really knew it.
I learned a lot about courage, about admitting when I’m wrong, and what true honesty looks like. I also met girls who I consider sisters because “friend” doesn’t do them justice.
And if youve made it down this far, here we are friends:
Roaring 20’s baby. Passion in the Benz. I have never been so excited to enter into a new year.
These first few weeks of 2020 have already taught me so much. I have been filled with courage to not waste a second. Me and the Lord were just talking last night about all the wild and fun things that are in store if I just don’t overthink it. I have learned to trust the Lord to guide me even in my discomfort and fight for control over my life. I’ve forgiven big time.
My friend Caleb and I were talking last week about how the Lord is forever changing us, and I have found it so true. I never want to stop growing in wisdom and nearness.
There are so many beautiful things to look forward to this year. Up through March I’ll be working as a part of some really amazing ministries (Carry the Love and Vida Nueva I’m talking about you!). Doing a little bit of speaking, which is a small part of ministry that years ago I never would have agreed to. My college friends and I are starting back up a girl’s bible study this week. I will hear back any day now about if I got the CA position in the dorms next year.
With your help, I’ll be on a plane to Thailand in a short 5 months to be working in international ministry EVERY DAY FOR TWO MONTHS!!!!!
My heart is alive and filled with joy to be living the life I am. To have become more like the Lord, and more like the person he meant for me to be.
No regrets. Fearless.
