I was reading a book last night and in reading I realized that I am not good at seeing needs and excepting that there is nothing I can do but pray. My mind then went to the fact that our first stop overseas will be a three week stay in Tokyo, Japan, where 2% or less of the population is evangelical Christian. They have a high suicide rate, Fathers are working so many hours that sometimes a child may only see their father for an hour a week, and a large number of youth are so overwhelmed by the pressures and cultural expectations of their life to the point that they lock themselves in their rooms and don’t come out for years!
I am not strong enough for this trip and the calling God has given me…
When I came to this conclusion I wept. It took me a couple minuets to be able to even verbally acknowledge that before God once I had realized this. You see, I have been praying for nine year that God would send me overseas to be a missionary and I thought that this was accomplished by me making things better for people by trying hard enough. Last night it came crashing down on me that it’s just not true.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not dropping out of the trip and I don’t see myself as a failure. I am just coming to the realization that this is just what God said in scripture, “not by might nor by power but by My Spirit says the Lord of Hosts”. If I want to be a missionary for Jesus it is not going to be because I pushed through or because I tried hard enough to make it work. No, success is totally dependent on God showing up. Unless God works through me I have nothing to give these people.
So I must lay down what I thought qualified me to go and receive the fact that this is who I am because my heavenly Father is calling me and nothing can change who He has made me. (sigh) I just don’t quite know how to carry that much of a lighter load.
Please continue to keep me in your prayers, there is so much that God is teaching me that I need Him to enable me to even start learning. Also I still have a little less then $12,000 to raise….. well I guess I should say God still has to raise, so you can pray that I don’t panic on His behalf 😉
Thank you all SO MUCH!!!
