I was recently thinking about what I put my faith in. I was sort of talking to God and sort of not. Maybe you have those conversation too, where your having a nice conversation with yourself and God interjects with something that basically explodes your nice, simple yet broken world view. This was one of those conversations.
I was trying to trust God for the finances that I need for this trip (personal and fundraising) and simultaneously trying to allay my fears of not having enough and not being able to go on the trip. And then I realized that I was trying to put my faith in God accomplishing my will…
oops. The reason I was struggling in faith was because I have put it in acquiring an outcome instead of the putting it goodness of God! If I am trusting in God’s goodness then my faith need not waver because then the goodness of God defines and redeems my outcome instead of my outcome having to justify my faith and defining my God.
Another thing I was thinking about recently, was back when I would read in history about those who changed the world in missions. As a kid I remember thinking that some day my name would be in the Christian history books and kids my age would learn about my life. I wasn’t thinking that because I thought that I was all that and a box of Bibles, I was just hoping that I could live a life like the people who had gone before me and inspire others.
As I have grown older anything I start to think anywhere even close to that the Devil strike at telling me that that it’s egotistical and self-centered. Crushed I walk away chastising myself for ever even wanting something like that for someone that I had been convinced was so small and a nobody. Over the years I have buried such hopes and asperations under the careful direction of that lying voice of false humility to the point that I don’t even know what really want/hope for anymore. BUT NO LONGER…
This year starts a new chapter, where I dare to hope for what will be dreadfully disappointing if it gets crushed again; but I will trust God to protect me. I will choose to hope to change the world, for I am called to walk in the footsteps of my Heavenly Father. I will acknowledge before God my honest desire to live a life that others will want to read about because I am called to live like Jesus did.
All this is only possible because of the love and backing of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, and also the love and acceptance of my squad and the rest of you who are part of my faith community. I used to wonder if people just put up with me because they were being nice and polite. I didn’t have the courage to reject the lie and hope that people really wanted me. But that, by the grace of God, is finished. I will now fight to believe the truth and reject the lies no matter how familiar they are. Below is a picture of my friends and family praying of me and sending me off at my farewell gathering. Thank you all so much for caring and investing in me, please pray that I continue to have the grace to receive and except it. God bless you all!
P.S. This is some really encouraging worship music that someone recommended recently and boy is it good! I highly recommend you give it a listen!
