WANTED: Aaron “Che” Bruner –
Che Bruner was found shooting people with a plastic water pistol and shouting loudly. Fortunately there were no casualties as the gun was loaded with sand, but reports show that there was a couple dining in a nearby restaurant who were very annoyed by the incident. Local detectives are still trying to figure out why the mastermind put sand in his water pistol.
WANTED: Danny “Gutterball” Gutman –
Gutterball was last seen in a Panama bowling alley where he bowled a perfect 0 score. When leaving, he decided he wanted to keep the sweet bowling shoes to memorialize his night but the locals apprehended him. He then proceeded to spike them with his mustache and ran away. This man is considered armed and dangerous with his 7 pound bowling ball. May be seen at bowling alleys throughout the world.
WANTED: Lord Rupert Maxamillion DeBono (aka John Bacon) –
Bacon has been running with the “Cinco Guapos” ever since he arrived on the scene in Central America in April. He is their treasurer as well as their bodyguard due to his massive biceps. Guilty of posing as both nobility in England and for a terrible American accent. May be heard saying phrases like “Dude” or “yeah man, that’s totally awesome!”. Don’t let his size fool you, he’s a tender guy at heart, it may be his soft spot. Detectives are investigating his tenderness further.
WANTED: Kyle “Handlebars” Crimi –
This wrangler escaped from the rodeo a long time ago and has not turned back since. Old Handlebars is wanted for cow-tipping, cow-branding, cow-poking, etc. He escaped disguised as a rodeo clown and has been seen recently with members of the Cinco Guapos climbing a volcano. Watch out for his roping ability, he was after all the Midwestern Lower Minnesotan Pre Pre Amatuer Baby Calf-Roping Champion. Considered dangerous only with a rope in his hands.
WANTED: Seth Barnes Junior or just plain Junior –
Master of disguises, Junior is wanted for identity theft primarily for that of his father Seth Barnes Sr. If you examine his photo closely, you can tell the difference. However, the mustache has fooled many people. He runs closely with the Cinco Guapos and is heralded for his flexing capabilities. Don’t let his quiet nature fool you, he is a master on the dance floor. He is on the loose in Central America.
This crew will stop at nothing. In order to maintain a low profile, they have recently been serving as missionaries building and constructing houses for Guatemalan families. Apart they may fall, but together they are a strong unit. Be on the lookout for the Cinco Guapos and their hideous mustaches!
