So here’s the deal… I’m not happy.
I guess some would tell me it’s because I don’t make enough money, or because I’m not hooking-up with a bunch of girls or because I don’t go out enough.
I guess in a way they’re right. Each of those things has brought me happiness before.
With money you can get nice things and do crazy things and you just don’t have to worry about as much. Girls are great. I’ve met and shared life with a handful of really good women. But on the other hand girls can really suck at times. For me I suppose this was always because they have been a huge focus for me. For years and even now I’ve searched for importance and meaning in girls – in what they think of me, how they treat me, sexually and in relationships. And guess what? I’m so stinking sick of it! I’m so tired of girls! I hate that they have this hold on my life and can control me and my actions! But then again… I guess it’s my sin to do with girls that I’m really mad at.
I’m going to be real with you guys, although almost anybody from Bethany (my church) would already know this… I am really struggling with porn, lust and just sexual sin in general. To be honest, I had just gotten used to it. It hadn’t been a concern to me for the last while. Don’t misunderstand me; I knew it was wrong, it just didn’t feel wrong because I had been living in it for so long. Life, especially spiritual life had become stagnant again. As I’ve heard from many people, although most famously the youth pastor at my church “If you’re not moving forward in your walk with God, you’re moving backwards.” That point has stuck with me and will for the rest of my life. Because of that I knew I was moving backwards – not the direction I want to be going with God!
This past week I had asked a friend to pray for me to receive conviction in my sin and she did, as did I. So God allowed Satan to tempt me again and I failed… but this time it was different than before. Previously I would sin and just move on, it didn’t really phase me at all… but that had changed. I sinned and I felt it! I knew how unhappy and displeased God was with my choice. I felt my spirit getting crushed and I couldn’t deny it, I couldn’t pretend any longer. I was a dead-wrong sinner. God had answered that prayer from my friend and I.
This is great and all but this still doesn’t solve the actual sin problem. Ultimately that answer is Christ because He died to set us free from sin. However, I have to get to that freedom. I have to get to the place where my sinfulness doesn’t control me. That’s easier said than done, especially with this sin. This is going to be a long road and a hard one but it is one I’m excited to walk down. I’m excited to see how God will use this in my life; to see how He will take my life and use it for His glory! My deepest desire and inner longing is to be used by God. I want that more than anything despite how many times I tell myself that other things are more important or that they bring me more satisfaction.
Jeremiah 17:7-8:
Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is the Lord.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.
Too often I have been the tree that is anxious in the drought or hard times and I didn’t bear any fruit because my trust was not in the Lord. I so desperately want to be the tree that bears fruit in the drought. I want to trust God in ALL situations not just the easy ones. Think of what kind of testimony you would have and how amazingly God would be represented in this world if each one of us wholly trusted in Jesus! This world would be completely different! People wouldn’t be able to resist or deny God. It would be like a flood – a Jesus flood – one that covered the whole Earth but never ended! Man that would be awesome! I’m praying, believing and expecting that! My dream is going to be big and seem impossible, but hey let’s face it, if my vision of my life and ministry isn’t intimidating to me it’s probably insulting to God.
So what’s the point of all this writing? Well at the beginning I didn’t know, I just felt like I was supposed to write a blog tonight. After seeing where God has directed my thoughts I believe it is to encourage anyone who sees this further on in their walk – to be trees that do not cease to bear fruit. I also want to ask for prayer for myself in support of me trying to end this sinful streak that started many years ago. I also want to extend the opportunity for people to either comment on this post or contact me directly using the “Contact Me” feature about their prayer requests for the struggles they have going on or whatever they would like prayer for. I firmly believe in the power of prayer! It is absolutely amazing what it can do when you believe God can accomplish it.
Lastly my friends, I want to leave you with a challenge. God hasn’t created us to survive the world but rather to change it. You can do that whether here in North America or anywhere else in the world. Live audaciously in your faith and watch God show up!
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