Let me be the first to admit to you that life hasn’t been lived well by myself lately.
I have been trying to do everything myself, by my own power and for my own good.
I became the lord of my life again – doing what I wanted and focusing on self-gratification. Not good.
I wasn’t focused on getting into the Bible or praying, in fact I found these extremely hard and of little gain. It was hard for me to talk to God because He felt so distant and uninvolved in my life. You hear of these stories of God working almost unbelievably in other areas of the world but I’ve never experienced that personally. I’ve heard of others’ experiences but I want my own. I want tangible. But God isn’t a tangible god. He is one that usually works in unseen ways to outcomes better than what we hoped for.
Don’t get me wrong, I strongly believe in God and know He is able to be trusted but – I haven’t trusted. And there lies the issue. I’ve been trying to do everything in my life by my own strength and without God’s permission and without asking Him how to go about things. I’ve been trying to get over sexual struggles by avoiding things, which although good isn’t a solution to the problem. I’ve tried to fundraise by putting events together and posting to Facebook and although there is nothing wrong with those actions, I never asked God if that was His will for how I should fundraise.
Sensing a theme yet?
If not, allow me… I cannot be the lord of my life, I need God to run the show!
You know I’m sitting here and I would be lying if I told you I’m not stressed about the future. Today I sit here typing on my laptop at about 2am without an idea of how I will raise the $4500 USD I need by May 3rd for my first of three payment deadlines. That’s right $4500 in a month and a half.
I know where I’m going for college but I have no money to get there. Not because I didn’t save money, but because of a family loss that was out of my control. I went from $14000 I had to put to school to $0 and I nor anyone else could do a thing about it. Yes, I am upset. Yes, I am confused. Yes, I am worried about having the money I need for this trip. Yes, I’m worried about paying for school. Yes, I have questioned God.
All the same though, I actually thanked God for it and praised Him. I cried on a few occasions while worshiping because I felt the peace that was only from God. I saw my father, who put his life into a family business born 89 years ago lose everything, everything! But yet, I saw him raise his hands and worship God in surrender. Let me tell you folks, I cried uncontrollably at this. Sometimes that’s all you can do to express yourself.
I lost my grandma, my family business and $14000 all in one day, February 10th – one month yesterday. Not going to lie, it was a pretty crappy day.
I don’t say this to get ‘pity points’, I don’t want that. I’d take prayer but never pity.
God gives and takes away (Job 1:21b) as He pleases. Although I don’t know why He has caused such change in the Braun household He alone has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11). Things are going to happen and it’s all about how you react to the situation. You can blame God for it and curse His name, say He was never there for you and walk away from Him or; you can realize God works as only He can and that the things that seem terrible were actually for good. You can allow Him to use situations to either grow your faith and maturity, or you can let the situation destroy you. Personally, I want to choose to bless God’s name (Job 1:21c) regardless of the circumstances.
Think of it this way: the Israelites were slaves in Egypt for a long time. They were maltreated, oppressed and had no liberty. Life sucked in every way possible. Seems pretty bad, like God gave up or never cared. But I wonder, did any of them stop to think that maybe God was using that time to build a nation.
Maybe you have a hard time you are going through and can relate. I hope you can trust in the fact that God is faithful to His faithful. He says He will never leave or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5b & Deuteronomy 31:6b, 8b). God has got a plan.
So, how am I going to fix my own issue I talked about in the beginning of this post?
Well I figure if I focus on God instead of myself that would be a good start. I want to get reading the Word more, get praying more and meditating on Jesus’ teachings as well as listen, quietly and patiently for God’s will. God will be found if we seek Him; He will restore us (Jeremiah 29:13-14). As my mother always said, ‘garbage in, garbage out.’ This also works in reverse.
God has blessed me with much even when I have nothing. I’m trusting in Him to solve all the issues I mentioned and I know He will be faithful. I believe I am here on this trip for a specific and important reason, whatever that may be. God has a huge plan for me in this trip and for it’s influence in my future. However, I need partners, enablers and friends to come along side me and serve the unloved, broken and hopeless with me. Often in the Bible you saw Jesus love and serve the unwanted. This is my goal – to serve them and show them God’s unconditional love. Help me be that for them. Share in this mission with me and be Jesus to them too! If you feel led by God to donate please follow His leading (click ‘support me!’). Some use the excuse they can’t afford to donate, I want to challenge you in a way I have been challenged before – give anyway if God has called you. I say this not to be selfish but because God desires obedience and He will prove faithful as you follow Him, regardless of what it is He asks you to do. Friends, blessings on each one of you and much love!
