An All-Nighter Nightmare
So, I'm going to be frank and tell you that the words in this blog are from a place of complete honesty and vulnerability. I know no other way of being able to write it.
The night of the music video jamboree, I fell asleep at 9 p.m. or so. I awoke at 11 something having to severely use the restroom, as well as I felt like vomitting, though I could not. I came back to bed and fell back to sleep. Two a.m. rolls around and I wake up again. I go to use the restroom, yet for some reason only grab my shirt as I go to stand up. A good thing too, for as soon as I was fully erect, I threw up into my shirt. I rush to get outside. I get the door open and spew the rest of my dinner all over the ground right to the left of the exit. I am freaking out at this point, as it has taken me completely by surprise, as just twleve hours earlier I was at a waterfall enjoying the glories of God in full health.
I make it back to bed after a trip to the bathroom and picking up a red bucket just in case. I could not fall asleep, however, but laid in bed with the enemy peltering me with ice-cold bullets upon my mind in my weakened state. i had horrendous thoughts of someone I love dearly. Thought of indecency I do not wish to utter, nor type. It sickened me to the core.
I prayed and prayed, wimpering in my bed, wishing for the attacks of the enemy to stop, so I could ask for forgiveness from the thoughts so plaguing me. In my weakened state, the enemy's attack came swiftly and without a counter-attack; I was defenseless and felt far from my Creator, my Beloved. I laid in the bed with my head half in a bucket, just in case my stomach decided to surprise me again. I knew not how to survive and just laid under my mosquito net, hoping beyond all hope that relief would come.
As the still dawn of a new day began to shine through the window, I prayed more through weary-drenched eyes and no recollection of the Sandman at all. Apparently, I even kept my brother, Cody, up all night too. I thought I was praying silently, I guess not. I awoke to the question, 'Are you alright?' Unable to really give a true answer to it, 'I'm just exhausted,' would be my reply.
Our contact decided to take Jake and I to the doctor, so I waited around. I got in the car, only to find out that it was having a spat of 'Decpticon-ism' (my car back home is called a Decepticon because of it's temper). Anyways, I sat in the back of the car praying and praying more, asking God why, asking if I have to get medicine, then how am I going on safari…asking for a 'bright-white light' to sit next to me. My thought for that last one was of an angel, but instead as my team stood around the car in the narrow drive-way, my sister, Ashley, got into the seat next to me and prayed for me. I wept. I wept because the 'bright-white light' I actually prayed for showed up and after feeling the furthest from God in a long time the night before, it wrenched my heart to know that He still loved me.
Fast-forward…the car, after an hour or so, finally got started after having a comatose battery and we were off to see the wizard, I mean doctor in Eldoret. We get there and when I get to see the doctor I tell him my symptoms and he checks me out. My blood pressure is very good and I weigh around 185. (Good news eh?) Anyways, I get blood work and it comes back with a WBC (White-Blood Cell count) of 85, in which the range is between 40-60 and so my body is evidently in the throes of battle with something. The doctor prescribes me meds for a bacterial infection, not unlike a few others of the two teams here that have had it, and I begin dreading the moment the money I do have has to go towards pills.
I pay 6500 shillings (more than what I had made sure to put aside for safari at debrief) and get welcomed by my contact with a small thing of strawberry ice cream. God still loves to supply comforts.
We get home and I spend the day resting. At some point I see a book by Brennan Manning entitled Ruthless Trust with Zeb's stuff and hesitate. I look at it, then put it back down, but as I went to lay again on my bug-repellant haven, I feel led to pick up the book. I read the first chapter, The Way of Trust, and am immediately reminded of my prayers and the lack of trust within them. I pray. I read the second chapter, The Way of Gratitude, and I am reminded of the lack of gratitude I have had the last few days. I pray.
Now, after taking in these revelations and understanding that though the enemy sought to take me away from the Lord and cause me to fall, God will always be there for me and help me in the toughest moments. As the Psalmist says, "You pushed me violently, that I might fall, but the Lord helped me" (Psalm 118:13). So, thought I may have faltered and fell to one knee, I rise now to full stature, even full of meds, ready to trust God and rely on Him for everything, which may include having to give up on going on safari. Either way, I'm in His hands and resting in "The Lord is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation" (Psalm 118:14).
With all this said, my 'all-nighter nightmare' has become a chance to be an all-increasing method to trust in God and love Him through the tough times and the good times. "Against insurmountable obstacles and without a clue as to the outcome, the trusting heart says, 'Abba, I surrender my will and my life to you without any reservation and with boundless confidence, for you are my loving Father,'" and so that is my prayer for all that lies in the present and all that lies in the future (Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust).
God is good and faithful, trust Him!
