In vain I have struggled to write a blog of substance something that would take your breath away. I have fought off long hours of restlessness, as I wonder what is next and where now Lord? I spent a whole year as a missionary out in the world. It was a new adventure each month, an everyday openess to speak freely on faith, love, and a freedom. Free to full express all of who I am, and discover just what that was. I was able to pray when I wanted, praise when I wanted and at every turn I have a team mate, squad mate or contact there to minister too, and be ministered to.
For those that know me well, you know in 2 and a half weeks I go from Melissa Betz to become Mrs. Randy Glasel and in no way as you read this blog do I want you to read between the lines on this issue. For my heart is bursting with joy and peace and excitement for this transitional season in my life.
But as I look at my day to day, the choices I have to make and the things surrounded me this has been a bit of my story
My days consist of coffee, coffee and more coffee, schedules, routines, and standards. They consist of boundaries, and limitations where who I fully am is quenched by the rules of being politically correct, and respecting the BELIEFS of others by not referring to your “religion” or your BELIEFS or opinions on matters in anyway. In a country considered to be tolerant of all people and all BELIEFS, it must be written between the lines “only if you don’t discuss them”. So we talk about fluff, we talk about sex, we talk about movies….we reach the depth of a kiddie pool, as my heart yearns to dive in.
Why can’t I openly speak of the last year of my life? Why is it that miracles offend the masses so much? Why has Merry Christmas turned to Happy Holidays? And why is it that when I stand up for who I am as a Christian and what I believe I am narrow minded and intolerant? I have struggled much at home. I have struggled with all these thoughts. I have been angry at times. I have been sad. I have forced down tears, and sometimes temper tantrums. I miss the freedom and I feel like someone hacked off my legs. I feel like I was forced back into rules, boundaries, and regulated faith where Jesus is great……on Sundays. These are but moments, fleeting moments, but they exist, and leave me with very REAL emotions.
And I’m lonely. I am lonely in my fellowship. I miss the deepness that 52 strangers fought very hard to find. I miss the realness. The open honesty. I miss having people call me out on my crap and then proceed to love the heck out of me and walk me through it, and I miss knowing that I played that role in others LIVES last year. Its hard to say goodbye and know that facebook and the odd email may be all you ever have of the people you so dearly loved and lived life with. It’s back to rebuilding friendships, and hoping that in our super paced, overwhelming society we can reach the deep end eventually.
All this to say that I have been dealing with withdrawls and major transitions, and I am sure I am not alone. I could lie and tell you being back in Canada is peachy keen and I just love it all, but it would be a lie. I am discontent, but here is the odd thing are you ready? I am loving it.
Why, because through all the distractions, through all the striving God has been working out that cement, I have been pushing I have been pounding and its begun to crack. I know what 52 strangers can accomplish with selfless love, and a heart only to give God Glory and I see what the potential of the Canadian Nation can do if put to action. I can sit back and whine about my lonely heart, I can sit back and relive all my glory days as a racer, but its pointless. I am in the here and now, discontent and loving it. I love knowing I have a fight ahead of me. I love knowing that if I keep pounding that pavement, it will crack.
Love will break the cement. Love in the times where I am told to be silent. Love in the times where I am lonely and desire to dive in, but opps we hit a rock in shallow water once again. Love in the times where I can’t stand church politics and disunity and I want to shake my fist at the petty things that keep us apart. Love, only love breaks the cement. It’s going to take putting aside how I feel, its going to take paitence, and its going to take time, but I won’t relent. I have a purpose and somewhere along the line I felt I lost in, with living day to day life. But I was not called to live life I was called to bring life.
