simply put, february was one hell of a month (sorry for the language mom).
february 1st, according to my camera roll, consisted of dancing & star tripping & asking jesus what He could possibly have in store for this new month ahead. at the time i was faced with deep anxiety, control issues, & inconsistent trust with the Lord. as i looked around at the people around me, who loved me well & saw my heart, the heaviness was still weightier than i had ever felt before.
right at the time that i felt i needed to have it all together i was barely able to hold my feeble hands out to do the task at hand. let’s be honest: i was living unloved.
february 3rd i sat outside my room and asked the Lord for a taste of freedom. i needed something to hold onto. something to give.
turned out it was the day some of my best friends would choose life again. they’d get into a tub of hose water and declare jesus as their king & savior. this was freedom.
plot twist, one day of goodness can’t pick you up out of the b-zone and fix all your problems. but i thought it could. so i spent a week avoiding my problems for the sake of ‘newness’ and ‘freedom.’ it sucked.
exactly one week later i reached a breaking point. i was anxious, shaky, & unsure. i wept to my dear friend isabel. i felt done with the way i was living. i couldn’t love myself. couldn’t love the people around me. couldn’t receive the love being lavished on me from my heavenly father.
in my lack of love i did the very thing i told myself i would commit myself to several months ago when this journey started. i’d pick myself up, no matter how dry i felt, and make my way back to the cross. i’d find myself back in the loving arms of our Eternal lover & friend.
that’s also the day i kicked anxiety out of my house. decided she didn’t have a place at my doorstep anymore.
side story: my new friend hannah pauwels led me through a prayer of repentance and proclamation where i released anxiety for the first time in my life. while mental health will always be a real thing for our humanity, it doesn’t have to own us. for years & years i’ve experienced ‘heart pains/flutters’ as a symptom for my clinical anxiety. after this prayer i felt another heart pain, longer and more painful than most. as it melted away i felt the whisper of God – ‘this will be the last one.’ – and haven’t felt another one since that day. ps: God heals !!
mid-month i was walking in new things.
that’s when celebration & hospitality met me where i was at.
The past twoish weeks have been parties & valentines day treats & dinner in the casita & coffee shop dates & new hearts & healing.
through even deeper repentance i’ve put jesus back on the throne of my heart. turned from my idols and given well deserved thought and honor to christ as King.
when you look in the old testament of the bible you read of the israelites and their long journey back to the father. idols & golden calves & tents & clouds of glory. we haven’t come much further in our rhythm of idolatry & worship.
how often we put people & places & dreams & school & careers & many good things before the actual Good thing. i’m learning that one. learning we can be more different than God’s people all those years ago. We can give him praise and honor again.
so where am i now?
feeling healthy & proud & free & light and airy.
truly.
after time spent in his presence, where we first receive that dosage of love, to the days spent on bunk beds & drinking cups of coffee with familiar faces, to new tattoo adventures & walks through antigua – i’m finding myself again. the daughter who knows more than ever just how loved & held she is. how valued and honored she is. & it is good. really good.
i tell you all this because i woke up today – march 1st – and i feel different than before. one wild month can change life if you let it. I look back and i’m grateful for the community & the Lord & those who fought for me, saw me, and chose me every day.
i failed a lot. stumbled a lot. felt a lot.
and now i’m loved a lot. cared for a lot. and freed… a lot.
thanks God:)
here are some snippets of february in visual form 🙂 love you people more than you’ll ever know. keep in touch !
love, gretchy jean
