Another season has come to a close and it may have been the most joyful yet challenging one so far. When I walked into team leading I never thought that I’d walk out with a new confidence in the Lord, with more understanding of God’s heart behind intentionality and this indescribable reliance on the Father.
Team leading pushed me so far outside of my comfort zone. The Lord asked me to talk and teach not only my team but my whole squad about some hard things. Things like boundaries, sexual sin and conflict resolution. I asked the Lord when I started team leading to grow me in facing conflict and stepping into the uncomfortable… man did he SHOW UP in that. With every hard yes came so much encouragement from Jesus and from my squadmates. Every Thursday, when my team and I would sit down for feedback, I would be met with encouragement of how the Lord spoke through me and that my words were said with love and boldness and received in fullness from our squad. I learned just how much the Lord honors our hard yes’s.
Intentionality is something I thought I walked out really well, but during this season realized that there is so much room to grow. My team values intentionality A LOT and that’s something I deeply admire about them. They showed me what it looks like to fight for one another, to walk in fellowship through the really hard things and to choose one another over and over again. I have this tendency to back away when emotions get hard in fear of bearing a burden that’s not mine to bear. However, the Lord showed me the beauty in choosing to sit with people in the depth and rawness of the hard things. The beauty of seeking out the people you love when maybe it would be easier to leave them be. I learned that you don’t have to have the words or advice as long as you just keep showing up for people. And man, does my team show up for one another and for me.
In all of this and more, the biggest take away from this season would be that I can do NOTHING without the Father. I never have the words or advice or poetic words of wisdom. But the Lord does. I never know how to steward my time or how to lead by example. But the Lord does. I never know how to best love and serve. But the Lord does. And He is so gracious and faithful to lead and guide and speak to me in all these things and infinitely more. He’s so much bigger than it all. His thoughts and ways are so much higher.
In that, my season of team leading ended quicker than expected. After Thanksgiving we were all supposed to head back to Gainesville for 3 more weeks to finish up training and wrap up our time together before our squad heads to Ecuador in January and all of us TL’s move onto the next season. However, due to some issues with Covid on other squads those 3 weeks and our ending to this time was canceled. To say I was disappointed in an understatement and it’s definitely still something I’m grieving and processing with the Lord. We ended in disappointment but that does not mean this season was disappointing. Along with relying on the Father while leading I also get to rely on Him here and now. In the midst of disappointment, of missed expectations, of abrupt and open ended endings I get to stand on a firm foundation. I have permission to feel deeply and to sit in hard things but I also get a choice. Will I play victim and allow my circumstances to steal my joy? Will I get angry with God for taking something that was freely given to me to begin with? Will I numb my emotions?-
Or will I seek the Lord’s face in the midst of hard things? Will I bring my grief to the feet of Jesus and allow Him to speak truth? Will I choose to praise even when I don’t get what I want? This isn’t the first time I thought I would get more time on the field then I did and it probably won’t be the last. But I know God is good and God is faithful and I will stand on that foundation. Because although I may shake or stumble I know the foundation underneath me is never going to crumble.
Thank you for following my journey in this season and the last and hopefully the next ones too. I’ll be sending out an update letter on what’s next so be on the lookout for that! In the meantime I would love your prayers during this time and I would also love to pray for you so please reach out so we can partner in that together. I love you all dearly.
-Mags
