Why have we started answering the question “How are you?” by saying “Busy”?
Do you ever feel pressure to get things done? Be productive? Be efficient? Be doing something, anything? I often feel these things. It’s hard for me to sit and do nothing. I feel like I’m being lazy. Even if I have half a day where I am not getting things done it puts me in a mood. I get down on myself and start to beat myself up. I start saying things like, “I need to get going. I need to get things done. I need to stop just sitting around.”
A couple weeks ago I had a day like this. It really affected my mood and I wrestled with God all day. At the end of it I didn’t have this big revelation or some come to Jesus moment. I honestly just sat in struggle all day. I really wanted to share this because if this happens to you it is important to me that you know that you’re not alone.
This is what I wrote in my journal that day:
“Today has been kinda bleh. There’s been a lot of reminding myself that my worth, value, and fact that I’m loved doesn’t come from how productive or efficient I am. I still feel like it’s something I understand in my head but don’t fully believe in my heart.
I’m frustrated that I can’t seem to get it. I’m loved without doing anything. I’m loved more than I can understand even if I just lay in bed all day. I’m loved cause that’s who God is. He created me to be loved and it’s okay to have days where I just sit in that. I’ve repeated “I’m loved. I’m loved. I’m loved.” to myself all day, not because I feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown but just because I feel bleh and like I don’t truly believe it if I’m not being productive.
I need to get the truth to settle deep down that I am so emphatically loved. I am so unequivocally loved. I am so undoubtedly, assuredly, and entirely loved no matter what. No matter how I perform in life or because of anything I do. Period. End of story.”
And that’s where I left it going to sleep that night. No better at accepting God’s love than when I woke up.This isn’t something I sit in everyday but I will have a day like this every once in a while. I also don’t think this is something I am going to get good at in one day. So here I am, my brokenness laid out on the table for you to see. I know I’m not the only one. I just want you to know that you aren’t alone either.
If this is you here’s a song for you: “How To Be Yours” by Chris Renzema
