So many goodbyes.
Sometimes I feel like all I do is say goodbye.
For real. When I think back over the months I think of names, faces, smiles, laughs, voices, inside jokes, etc. I really miss. The reason I miss them is because I am no longer with them. I was blessed to have a month, sometimes less, with these individuals who mark my life but then at the end of that month I have to say the word I’ve become far too familiar with… goodbye.
The other day me, Dan, Wesley, and Oscar arrived in Santiago, Spain. We sat on the ground in front of the massive cathedral – a famous end to the famous pilgrimage. We however, didn’t sit alone. We walked with our new-found Italian friends Simone and Federico. We were also welcomed into Santiago by five other friends we made along the Camino. It was truly one of the most amazing moments as we entered the square. I had no idea we were about to be greeted by familiar faces and yet, there we were, hugging, smiling, crying, and cheering! For me it was an emotional high. 20 days of walking across Spain culminated in this moment. A moment I will forever remember – a moment where heaven met earth.
But every moment eventually runs its course.
It wasn’t long after celebrating the completion of our journey that we began saying goodbye. Friends now had flights to catch and schedules to keep. We found ourselves one week ahead of the rest of our squad and with PLENTY of last moments to share with the precious people of the way. This of course meant a lot of emotional farewells.
As I began passing out goodbye hugs like candy, I began to see other faces in my mind’s eye. I began to remember the other incredible souls whom I said farewell to earlier this year. I began to realize that I’ve learned how to guard myself when it comes to parting ways. I’ve allowed myself to get calloused. To distance my heart so that it doesn’t ache when I wrap my arms around that individual one last time.
That’s when I started tearing up. That’s when I was tempted to feel like God or life was being unfair. Why do goodbyes have to exist? Why do they have to be so painful? Why can’t we live in a perpetual state of togetherness where I never feel that all-too-familiar hole in my chest after turning my back on someone after my time with them is up? I’m so tired of saying, “Hope to see you again one day.” Or, “If you’re ever in America, look me up!” These words though they come from a genuine heart feel SOOOO empty. I’m sick of hollow words. I hate the fact that I’ve become good at saying goodbye.
To tell you the truth, I think I would rather skip the goodbye. To me, it one of the worst things when you have a goodbye hanging over your head. Like when you know that in a few hours you’re about to share intimate goodbye moment with a dear friend? It adds a sort of solemness to the day. Now imagine going through that multiple times every month for a year!? It’s enough to rattle anyone’s emotions!
So that’s where I’ve been these past few days. Emotional. I’ve had a hard time coping with and processing all the goodbyes. I’ve had a hard time realizing that I’ve become too good at saying goodbye. There are so many people I want to see again that I probably never will, and that hurts. The callouses are gone, the walls are down. The Camino stripped them away, opened up my heart, and reminded me why it’s hard to make relationships with people… because you eventually have to say goodbye to them.
But as my parents always say, better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
So I’m not glad that goodbyes are painful, but I am glad that I feel the pain they bring.
For love leaves some of it’s most clear traces with painful goodbyes.
