There are many things that I want to write to y’all in regards to the last two months on the Race, but I believe what I am about to write to you is going to be freeing for me and beneficial to you. Whether you are an Alumni, current or future World Racer, I hope that you can be encouraged by this. If you are a friend, family member or acquaintance, the same goes for you.
I want to let you know that this blog would be considered “heavy” but it is written out of peace and joy. This isn’t a “How To” guide on dealing with losing a family member while on the field. It is just a personal experience that I believe will encourage others if they, God forbid, have to work through the same circumstances.
Feedback is welcome.
On Friday, January 11, 2019 at 7:47pm I opened a text message from my Mom asking me to pray for my cousin, Melody, because she had been in a car accident and was admitted into the ICU. I prayed immediately after I read that message and asked the Lord to put His hands on Mel’s body, heal her and the same for anyone else involved in the accident. Quickly after these words parted my lips, I knew in my heart that Mel didn’t make it but I tried to convince myself that I was just being fearful. Now, my mom sent that text message two hours before I had opened it and because I am in Vietnam, there is a fourteen hour time difference between her and I. The initial text message was sent to me at 3:00am (Arizona Time) and when I called my mom to figure out what was going on, it was about 5:30 in the morning (Vietnam Time).
When I called my mom answered the phone and I asked how Mel was doing and what the extent of her injuries were. She told me to, “wait a minute” and then walked out of what looked like a waiting room. (We were on FaceTime) As soon as she got to where she was going, she looked at me and said, “Honey, she didn’t make it”.
To be completely transparent, I lost it. I couldn’t say anything other than, “no”. I screamed, I wailed, fell to the ground and buried my forehead into it. It felt like I took a blow to my chest and stomach. I didn’t know what else to do, other than cry and yell. This was probably the most dramatic reaction I’ve ever had, I am embarrassed to admit that I was blubbering but, it is the truth and that is exactly what I am going to be sharing with you today. Also, Melody is not just a cousin that I only saw on the holidays or at a family party; Mel grew up with my brother and I. I picked her up for church, coffee runs, mall dates, trips to Grams house. I answered the angry, heart broken and confused phone calls. I walked down the board walk to get ice cream and rode the Giant Dipper Roller Coaster at Belmont Park with her. She was not just my cousin, she was my littler sister and losing her freaking sucks.
Anyway, after all of that jazz, I couldn’t help but just sit and feel. I can’t quite pin point every emotion but I know that I felt all of them except for one. The only emotion that I did not feel was anger. Not once did I find myself mad at God, which is strange because anger is normally the emotion that is the first and easiest for me to feel. Instead of getting mad, I was still and the best part of that stillness, was the two choices that I had in front of me:
1. I can sit here, sulk and sob
or
2. I can choose to let The Lord work, with me, through my heart ache and begin to do something about it.
Although those options were before me, I had already made my decision. My decision to invite God into it. This was very easy for me to choose and here is why:
I am reminded in these scriptures, how good and faithful God is.
Romans 5:3 says:
“…we REJOICE in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
Psalm 30:5
“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”
and Matthew 5:4
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
Literally, God’s got me. I believe that the pain and suffering I endure will produce good fruit. I know joy comes in the morning because I choose it daily. I know that I know, that I know, I will be comforted because no one can give me peace like my Father does and no one knows what I need, like my Father does.
During this time of tragedy, I have peace but just because I have peace, doesn’t mean that I am immune to feeling heart ache. Just because I choose joy, doesn’t mean that I am going to be happy, it means that I choose to have a good attitude about what God allows and what He is doing for my family during this time of sorrow. I know that good will come from all of this, I know that hearts will be changed, I know that seeds will be planted. I know, that I know, that I know.
For anyone who is wondering how I am dealing, this is how. No, I am not okay but I am at peace.
If this is you. If you are mourning a loss. Choose Jesus, lay your feelings at His feet, cling to His word and let Him do what He does best, Lead.
– Mariss
For those of you who read this, please pray for the Miller family. Pray for healing, peace, joy, love and triumph.
People to pray for specifically:
Will Miller
Erica Miller
Cash Miller
Vera Miller
Freida
Don Miller
Patti Miller
Ruby Miller
Paul Miller
Tamra Miller
Austin Miller
Jake Miller
Marissa Morales
Larry McCormick
&
The Miller family as a whole.
– Thank you.
