Every day we are seeing people at the disabled adults home that cannot function without someone else’s help. We watch as they struggle to breathe, struggle to eat, their voices fail them in communication and they can only make wordless groans. Their joy over the simplest things is the best of humanity and their selfishness and anger the worst. I could see all of human nature wrapped into them—good and bad. I was struggling to see God’s purpose for them. What glory does he get in their existence? It made no sense that they depend on people for everything and yet were left in this place by people.
I realized in all this that I myself was struggling to need people. I can need God, but what need do I have for people who will let me down, who will not be dependable? What I saw as purposelessness was rooted in my own desire to be needed. You are needed or you are useless. I hid behind my guitar or all the ways I could “help”. I hid behind usefulness. I could see how selflessly the workers cared for the people at the home and I was ashamed because I couldn’t bring myself to not have a purpose. Just sitting with them seemed a waste of time. I had to be doing something.
I would like to share something that I wrote after a particularly challenging day at the home. It came from a place of recognizing how similar I am to these disabled adults in how badly I need people. It came from a place of recognizing that I need and am needed. We all need and are needed.
I have needs. Jesus, you created me to have needs. I’ve shut off my own needs for so long that I don’t even know what they are. How can I recognize them? How do I need people?
Ré–
It’s not bad to need. It’s not bad to need people. You have needs. You can have needs. It is not weak. It is allowed. It is encouraged. You cannot do this alone. It is not a bad thing to confront these feelings head on. Don’t isolate yourself. You can cry in front of people. You can cry and not know why. You can desire deep connection with people.
You are not the only person seeing other people’s needs and you are not the sole provider for them or protector of them. You cannot carry other people’s loads. Don’t carry other people’s loads. Don’t deny your needs in favor of filling theirs. It’s not your responsibility. You cannot always be strong.
You are not a cliché. You are a unique creation and that’s a good thing. Don’t believe the lie that you aren’t needed or the lie that says you have to do something to be needed. You are not the end-all-be-all. You are not the answer. You don’t always have the answer. Sacrifice is necessary to the Christian walk, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no. Don’t believe something is expected of you when it is not. Your works are less valuable if done from a heart of obligation and/or bitterness.
I need:
Dedicated time with the Lord EVERY morning.
Dedicated time to myself to rest and recharge at least once every week (preferably twice).
Accountability to both of the previous two needs. (Specifically, I need this because I will neglect the second need to the point of risking my mental health.)
To lean on accountability seeing as it is a good thing and I’m not needy, a burden, or less-than because I need it.
To write out a daily high and low feeling check-in for myself and to check-in with my team about it once a week. (This is to put me more in touch with my emotions so I don’t explode with them after bottling them up for too long.)
To openly ask my teammates/squad-mates for hugs and not feel ashamed to ask/feel like I’m asking too much. Physical contact is a need, not needy.
Who do I need?
JESUS.
My teammates
My squad-mates.
My family.
My leaders.
I will need people. That’s okay. It is not weak. It is healthy. For me, independence, however free from strings, is simply comfortability with loneliness. It is not healthy. I can depend on people. I can depend on Jesus to be there for me when people let me down. Even if I want to have no strings attached, strings are a good thing and I need them. They ground me. They connect me to the Body of Christ. They are tendons and ligaments and I need them to walk straight. I can’t lean on my own understanding, but, in all my ways, I have to and I will acknowledge Him.
God, I surrender all of this to you. I lay it at your feet. I speak your truth over every lie and your love over every ounce of self-hate. I thank you that you never leave me alone. I thank you that you see me and hear me and you are not an apathetic God. You are the One I can always depend on and you’ve given me the gift of brothers and sisters who I can also depend on. You care, even when I don’t. Give me your heart for people as I give you the self-sacrificing, self-neglecting, fake heart I thought was yours. You are so good to me and I know you will answer every prayer and provide for every need. I surrender worry and bitterness to you. I surrender my own works mentality. I receive your Kingdom mind and a heart for your people that is not timid in feeling every emotion that you feel toward your people and myself. I am weak so you can be shown as strong. Thank you. I love you, Jesus. I don’t need to be afraid. You are here.
Prayer requests from Honduras:
Pray for doors to be open to share the Gospel with the workers and disabled adults at the Hope at Hand home.
Pray for healing among our squad as there have been SEVERAL people with illnesses this month. The severity of the illnesses ranges widely, but we have had multiple hospital stays. Also, pray that my health would continue to be protected as I haven’t gotten sick yet.
The last request I have would be that you would pray for every person on our squad who is not fully funded. We have roughly ten days to hit the $13,000 financial goal. I haven’t hit that goal personally, so please prayerfully consider donating to my Race.
Given the limited WiFi, please feel free to message me or contact me on WhatsApp but know that I may not always be able to respond.
Love y’all!
