“She’s never going to get married!”
No, these aren’t the despairing words of my mother, but of a family friend. My mom was sharing wedding details to them about my sister’s upcoming wedding. Inevitably, the conversation turned to me and my marital status because love is in the air, why isn’t it catching with me?
From further conversation, it appeared their impression of me is that I have had men “flocking” around me all my life and I simply reject them and pick them off like a bb gun in a carnival game and if I wanted to be married I “would be married by now.”
I was flabbergasted.
I had no idea there were people in my life that had this perception of me. And WHO are all these men that they are talking about? Are you sure they were talking about ME, mom? I think they got the wrong Heidi because I’ve had guy friends, but I’ve definitely never been the girl next door type.
1 Corinthians 7:7-9
“I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
Singleness is many things to different people. Some view it as a gift, others an affliction. But what I have learned in the past twenty-nine years of my life is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Those who are single want to be married. Those that are married miss the freedom that comes with singleness, but we all have a gift to share and a cross to carry.
Luke 14: 27
“And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.”
I’ll be honest I have not dated much.
There was a time where I had a dating app or two on my phone, but I found that the only time I was using them was because I was lonely and depressed. When I shared this with a friend, he laughed and said, “That’s everyone on the apps!” I deleted them and haven’t looked back since.
I’ve decided if God wants to bring someone along, cool, but in the meantime, I’m going to live my life to the fullest.
Hebrews 12:1-3
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”
I think one reason I have not pursued a relationship is because I got itchy feet. I want to travel the world, learn about other cultures, and share the love of Christ wherever I go. Once you find your lobster, you tend to settle down, get married, have kids, and become planted, but my heart hasn’t desired that. At least not yet.
One big dream in particular I have is to travel the world by motorcycle. I think that would be a grand adventure and definitely thrust me into situations where I am fully relying on God (Pray peace for my mother. These dreams disturb her.)
As I spend time talking with God about this restlessness in my spirit “to go”, I knew the answer was “not yet”. Through this time God has been walking me through a season of healing and helping me mature in my walk with Him.
I’ve also met some pretty awesome people at my job that I do my best to love well in this season of my life. My boss tells me I am “the heart of this team”. It’s the highest compliment anyone has ever given my in my career and a reflection of Jesus in my workplace.
There have been many times where I have gone back in my journals to remember the person I used to be and I can the see the evolution of my mind and thoughts as I pursue Jesus and love him more everyday.
Ezekiel 36:26
“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
It has been a lonely road.
There are times where it would be nice to share my adventures with a beloved, for a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh at my awesome jokes, someone to keep me humble, and love me even when I’m a being a turd.
Until then, I’m going to keep pursuing God because at the end of the day He is enough.
Philippians 4:19
“And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”
