When you’re planning a backpacking adventure, you pack strictly what you need to not weigh yourself down.
You use every nook and cranny the best way you can, making use of each zipper and pocket.
You grab the essentials: a toothbrush, a change of clothes, extra underwear, your camera, some water, and snacks.
Then you might throw in a few things that aren’t necessary, like your favorite hoodie or a jar of peanut butter. You don’t NEED these extra items for your goal or destination, but hey they might come in handy right?
Lastly, you grab 12 solid bricks and place those bad boys right on top in the pack.
You seal it all together with a nice little bow, and pick up the bag pretending it isn’t difficult to bear.
I mean, this is what we do with our lives, right?
We equip ourselves with what we need, include things that make us happy, and add those heavy emotions and events and pretend they don’t drag us down.
Where does this get us? In my experience, I’ve ended up in more pain than I started with. I carried those bricks on my back for too long, bringing me to the point of exhaustion and breaking.
I want to welcome you to my heart here in this blog. I’m taking my bricks out one by one, and handing them off to the Lord. While I can try and convince myself over and over again that my pack is capable of carrying them, I’ve finally realized it can’t. The Lord not only has the strength to carry my burdens for me, but He IS the strength I needed to hand them over. If you decide to keep reading, I need you to know that these burdens, or bricks, are no longer my own. I can’t carry them anymore, but thankfully my Father wants to. He’s voluntarily opening His hands for me to place them in. I no longer carry the shame that goes along with these, nor will I ever, thanks to His strength being greater than my own. I ask that you as my friend do not pick up anything of mine that isn’t your own, for they aren’t yours to bear. Since this is my heart, I also ask you are careful with it. It’s delicate, and I am thankful for this.
When I was younger, I spent many days at my grandparent’s house during the summer since my mum was at work. Mama and Papa loved me well by taking me to parks, having picnics, riding bikes, the list of our fun activities could go on for pages. But sometimes, they needed to rest. This left me coloring, until I found games on the computer. My favorites were dress up games and cooking games. I would play these for hours, perfecting the perfect outfit and best burger. (Online that is, I can’t cook for crap.) One afternoon when I began my quest for a new game, my selection took me somewhere I wasn’t expecting: a pornography site. I can’t imagine what my facial expression looked like, but I know for a fact I was in utter shock. I clicked out as fast as I could as I could feel embarrassment creeping into my cheeks. Panic.
“What even WAS that..?” I asked myself this for days after. Eventually, my curiosity got the best of me. I went back to the site trying to find an answer to settle my curiosity. Time after time of going back there, I only found embarrassment and shame. Instead of my daily routine of coloring and dress up games, this site consumed my time and thoughts. For 2 years of my life (around the ages of 10-11), I was stuck in a cycle of going to this site, feeling the weight of shame from it, and then stopping for a week or so. I was angry that I couldn’t get out of this cycle full of sin and shame. I told myself that I was disgusting. I heard all the time about the struggle of pornography, but only in grown men. This gave me an even greater feeling of disgust with myself. I carried the weight of this shame for a solid 5 years before letting anyone into the shadows of it. Handing it off to the Lord was easy once the truth was in the light, but it was the process of actually taking the brick of shame out of my pack that hurt so greatly.
My heart aches at the fact that these sites even exist. Truly, there are hundreds. My heart aches more though at the fact that I continued to go back for more. The fact that thousands of people are enslaved in this cycle of addiction makes me want to scream and cry. Knowing the freedom that comes from bringing this part of my life into the light also brings tears to my eyes, but these are tears full of thankfulness. I am owning the fact that it was my choice to continue to watch these pornographic videos, the last thing I would want to do is put this blame elsewhere. Yet in each day, each video, the Father still said yes to my heart. He still wants time with His daughter, no matter what my eyes have seen.
Of course He didn’t want this FOR me, but He surely still WANTS me.
He had His hands wide open for me to rid this brick from my own pack, and is giving me the strength to do so. The Father loves me so that He didn’t want me walking with unnecessary weight. And I could not be more thankful. I truly thought I was over the shame that came with this, but the idea of you all reading this clouds my mind with confused thoughts. “I shouldn’t post it because that one person might read it…” kept playing through my mind. Yet, even if someone reads this and is upset by it, I pray at least one person reads it and is encouraged by it.
Not knowing this part of my life may change the way you see me. You might consider this to be too vulnerable to be putting on the internet, but I know the Lord has forgiven me for this. I’m still working through this shame, but I know I’m walking in freedom. I would love to see men and women around me walking in this freedom as well. Thank you for listening to what my heart had to say. If you have any questions or need someone to talk to, feel free to email me at [email protected]. I’ll answer as soon as I’m able!
Much love,
Bernadette
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Take a Listen…
“Lay it All Down” by Will Reagan and United Pursuit
“Lake Michigan” by Rogue Wave
“In the River—Live” by Jesus Culture
