When I went home in September, everything was a whirlwind. My dad had suddenly passed away. Decisions had to be made. The house was filled with 15 people at one point. Appointments and meetings were frequent. And while time seemed to move slowly at home, I soon found myself on a flight back to the field before I knew it.
At home, I had my emotional moments, but for the most part, I was acting as usual. In Morocco, on the other hand, things were different. My first day back, I found myself exploring the city of Marrakech with my teammate, Brittani. We were walking through the streets when I saw a man carving wood into chess pieces and jewelry. The first thought that ran across my mind upon seeing this?
“I should take a video and send it to my dad.”
About a half second passed before reality began to sit in. I held it in until that night, when a nice dinner with my team turned into an emotional landslide. It was like everything I had felt, but pushed to the side in the previous 3 weeks, hit me all at once. My team held me and let me cry it all out. It was good. It was releasing. And I thought that I had let it all out until the next day when I cried again. And again the next day. Then the next. Then the next.
At first, I thought I had made a mistake coming back. I felt weak and I felt like a mess. I was hurt. I was mad at God, mad at myself, mad at my team for not understanding. How could someone like this possibly continue on a trip like this?
But then, I kept getting words from those around me.
“You’re so strong, Meghan!”
“You’ve been so encouraging to us since coming back.”
“I see the joy of the Lord in you even still!”
WHAT? Are we talking about the same person? Me, Meghan? The girl spending her free time crying at pictures? The girl struggling to simply stand up in the morning?
Yes. They were. Because strength doesn’t look like a stone-faced, immovable object. Joy doesn’t equal happiness. Encouragement doesn’t always come in a pretty package.
One day, while in the desert, I sat on the roof of our home and I told God that I didn’t think I would ever get over the pain I was feeling. His response?
“I’m not asking you to get over it. I’m asking you to trust Me.”
Isn’t it amazing that God doesn’t ask us to have our lives together, but only asks us to let Him be our strength, be our comfort, be our healer, be our Lord, be our God?
So, yea, I cry. I have to take time alone. I have to let down my pride and ask someone to sit with me. I have to talk about what I’m feeling. I have to look at pictures and write down memories as they come to me. I have to yell at God because He can take it and because I don’t want anger to fester.
This is a part of life. Grief sucks. You feel exhausted and weak all the time. It’s hard to be around people at times. But my tears and my pain does not come from a place of defeat or hopelessness. I just simply miss my dad, and regardless of the truth that I will see him again in eternity, it still hurts now because he’s not here. And that’s okay. It’s okay to not be okay, so long as you press into the Lord even through the difficult things. It’s okay to take time for yourself, as long as you’re not isolating yourself from those around you and those that love you. I hate grief and everything that comes with it, but it has placed me in a position where I must rely on God to get through, and He is getting me through. He is teaching me what true dependence looks like. In a time in my life where I have felt all control I had leave me, He takes the wheel and moves me forward.
It isn’t always pretty. I have learned to have grace for myself in this process as well as those around me. I am no certified counselor or anything, but if you are struggling, if you are grieving anything, here are some things I’ve done to keep me going:
– Cry. Cry alone. Cry in front of people. Whatever you need to do to let it out, let it out.
– Don’t apologize for needing help and support. This is a lesson I’m still learning, but please know that you are not a burden. You’re going through a hard thing and God has placed people in our lives for a reason. Of course God is our greatest comfort, but many times I have found that He likes to use those around me as well.
– Speak up. I’m in a unique position where I have to speak up because I’m around people 24/7, but for those at home, don’t be afraid to speak up if you need anything or prayer for anything. Also, talking about it just helps in general.
– Journal. Write things down. If you’re grieving, write down or paint memories as they come to you. Write letters to that loved one. Write letters to God. It looks different for each person, but it’s been amazing to be able to look back and see how this process has gone.
– Have grace. Remember that it’s a process. When you break down and cry even on one of your best days filled with fun and laughter, don’t be mad at yourself. Also, remember that your loved ones around you are also navigating through this with you as well and they are going to say things that hurt. Tell them about it, but also encourage them and thank them for being there for you.
– Embrace community. I am in community 24/7, but if you are by chance not as crazy as I am, then dig deep into the relationships around you. People may not know what to do or say, but don’t be afraid to talk to them about it. Don’t isolate yourself because you feel like you’re alone. You may be an encouragement to someone simply by talking about it with them.
– Seek Papa God with everything. Depend on Him. Trust in Him. Yell at Him when you need to but never forget that our cries do not come from a place of defeat or hopelessness. God already has the victory. He carries us in our moments of weakness. And even when we’re walking in strength, it is always His strength.
I’m gonna be real for a hot second. Posting this blog absolutely terrifies me. It sucks to admit to people that you are having a hard time. But the purpose of this blog is not to highlight my pains and struggles, it’s to highlight the faithfulness of God and his strength in me amidst these struggles. I hope it is an encouragement to you.
I have felt convicted to share more of what grief looks like, so I am also posting another blog later this week talking about the spiritual warfare I’ve faced in the grieving process.
Thank you for supporting me and bringing me back on the race. God has used this time to teach me so much and bring so much healing even in all the pain. I love you all and am thankful for your support.
