This past week was a huge week of pressing in. I have been learning a ton about the Father, and how much He delights in me. How He grabs my hands and walks with me. He always wants to be with me. I’ll be honest with you, This week has been a week of feeling alone and wondering, what am I even doing here? As I was digging to replant plants, I started to think, did I really sign up for this? Ministry is hard. Living in community is hard. But, this is the race the Lord has marked for me. I can doubt or I can take it as a blessing and a time to press in harder. I found myself writing this in my journal one night and feel the need to share,
“As I sit here in the chairs overlooking the road and rancho, my heart feels alone. I know it might be the devil trying to get in and in Jesus name I cast that out. But at the same time, I’m understanding that being alone can look like many different ways, does my heart feel alone spiritually? Or do I actually feel alone and out of the scene? Is it jealousy? Or is my voice really that quiet? It’s starting to take a toll on who I am and the things I have to bring to the table. God, is this feeling just you encouraging me to spend time with you? Because right now, I feel like all I have is you, Jesus, which I guess is the best thing I could ever have when I am feeling overlooked, not heard, like my opinion doesn’t matter and like time after time I am just along for the ride. You always show me that YOU are the one that hears me, sees me, delights in me and wants to be with me. Why do I long for something more? At times I feel like I am in a line at gym class waiting to get picked for a team and always getting picked last. But again YOU remind me that YOU CHOSE ME FIRST, in fact you left the 99 to come after me. You speak truth over me and encourage me to believe it. YOU meet me where I am and want to spend so much time with me. In YOU I am ENOUGH. You give me confidence, a voice willing to speak up. Yes, Father, I am learning more and more about what it means to be YOURS. But what a privilege it is to know that I ALREADY am yours. I ask that you help me to believe that.” Again and Again, the Father just keeps reminding me that when I am feeling alone He is always there. He longs to be with me and keeps my head above every single wave. He is the strength that comes from within. He leads and guides me. He wants to dance with me. Just me and Him in the field of wildflowers. When Ministry becomes life, the devil will try everything to make you fall away and get into your head. But take courage, be brave, fight against it and finish the race the Father has for you. When you are feeling alone or discouraged remember that the Father delights in you and wants to be with you and at times even carries you. He is the steady hand that holds you.
