Think about a time you made a big decision. Something that would cost you something but also would come with a great reward.
Maybe it felt easy to make the decision at first, but then the reality of marrying yourself to a new reality set in. And you had that feeling like, oh shoot. This is not going to be easy. Like that feeling when you get to the highest peak of a roller coaster and you realize the repercussions of getting on this machine, but now you have to ride it out! And you want to, but you know it might cost you some sweat, loss of breath, your stomach to move into somewhere it shouldn’t live, and potentially cost you your dignity as you release a cry into the world (that may or may not be considered justified!)
This is how I have felt the past few days about my decision to do the World Race. I periodically release an undignified cry into the atmosphere. And sometimes my heart races like I’ve realized that this coaster has to go down and up and down again, to my fear and uncertainty.
It felt so easy to do the application and sign up for an eleven month mission trip I’ve wanted to do for years. Especially because I heard Jesus calling me to find Him in these eleven months in eleven different countries. And I deem His call worthy of the cost, so logically it all makes sense to me, the way I live my life near to His embrace, His soft voice, and His magnificent greatness.
But it has gradually and suddenly become more real!
It hit me the other day, and the catalyst (this word goes with the fearful vibes from my sophomore chemistry class that I barely made it through- shoutout to Mr. Bragg a terrifying yet genius teacher) that made it more tangible what I’ve committed to, was watching people pack for this adventure on youtube. Why, you ask, is this what made it real?
(Oh and by the way, I think Mr. Bragg actually reminds me of my Father God in some ways. He wasn’t afraid to ask me to do hard things, because he knew I had the ability to, and knew testing my perseverance applies to far more than just a sophomore honors class. It applies to how I will handle anything in life. Sixteen year old Lucy was willing to give up and stop trying to conquer the subject, but twenty-two year old Lucy is figuring out that she wants to be one who perseveres and does not give up when things get hard. So thank you, Mr. Bragg for showing me the cost of giving up and that what I do when I face something hard reflects who I am.)
I don’t know why the packing videos made it real. But, the reality of living out of a pack for a YEAR & being able to count on my hands how many shirts and pairs of underwear I have is intimidating to me. I realized I have a lot of clothing items here in my California rental house that I have only worn two or less times since living here. Why did I deem it necessary to pack SO many things for 9 months in a different place? I think I have security in having things with me “just in case” or for that one event that “I’m sure I’ll need it for”. Classic American heartache.
*(bonus: look up the song “American Heartache” by the Wood Brothers on spotify for a relevant conviction. And maybe play it while you read the rest of this post.)
Knowing I will have everything I need, want, and then some. I have somehow built security, comfort on this. And I think it’s time to knock this wall down, and that is what Holy Spirit is up to in my life. Those of you who know me well know I’m not a big shopper, I prefer goodwill shopping because it’s more fun (there’s my enneagram wing 7 coming out!) and because it makes more sense & is more fulfilling to buy nice things for less money (there’s my enneagram 8-ness). I typically wear the same couple of t-shirts, sweaters, pants, and shoes over and over anyway because I find what I like and repeat. Honestly would not have thought I had this attachment issue in my heart at all.
This year at ministry school has felt like a lot of this very thing. A lot of moments in which Holy Spirit shows me a good look at something in my heart that I am holding onto for dear life that actually is not trustworthy. He shows me that holding onto that thing for security is like trying to bungee jump and trusting a measly piece of string to keep me safe. We would never do that with our bodies, so why do we do that in our hearts, instead of trusting the One who made them for His security and strong hand holding us?
(this reminds me that the ASL sign for “trust” is both hands pulling down in the air, as if grasping onto a rope. I think I am starting to get why.)
So this whole lesson really boils down to one thing: trust.
And as I write this on the Saturday after Good Friday I believe that very day in history reveals why we can trust Jesus, our King, our Almighty God, our Refuge, our Shepherd, our Ever Chasing Lover, Lover of Humanity.
He was willing to put our skin on, the skin and bones that he originally designed, and be completely brutalized for us, severely injured, totally undignified, left vulnerable, and suffer through the most excruciating death possible. Praying the whole way for forgiveness for the ones murdering Him. Yesterday, Good Friday, I heard Jesus ask me in His still small voice, “Do you trust me?”.
I did some soul-searching right then and thought about my history with Jesus, how He was there for me when no one else was, how He made my life worth living, loved me at my worst. And the biggest thing He ever did for me, dying on a cross many years ago so that I could be near Him, and so that He could be forever intimate with me, sending Holy Spirit to live inside me.
He loved me in the most extreme, unfathomable, deep, intense way that anyone ever could. We’ve never experienced love like that. We are worried about how we will repay Him. He was willing to give His life, His “yes” to us before we even said yes. I think this is why marriage proposals are so beautiful to us because the man is giving his “yes” and expressing his deep, vulnerable affection before the woman says anything, it’s a huge risk. Jesus dying for us was the Greatest Proposal in history. I think audacious, bold love like His can confuse, offend, or keep us at a distance, and we end up not letting His love in all the way, because it scares us.
Have you ever had that feeling? Have you been in a worship service or in your room, and it feels like you are going deeper with Jesus, like He’s inviting you further, but you retreat or stay where you are because it doesn’t feel like you’re worthy to go any deeper, or unsure if you trust Him, or where He will take you?
We must put our trust in Him. We must see that He is the trustworthy One, none of the other ones we hold onto can compare. I cannot hold onto my belongings for security. So I will go on this journey, and willingly give up having things so that I can fully put my trust in my Lover King.
How is Holy Spirit revealing in this moment what or who you have security in that is not trustworthy like He is? How will you respond to this beckoning of Jesus to have all of you?
Holy Spirit is helping me change my perspective of giving up things. It is an honor that I get to show Him that I trust Him more than anything or anyone else. That I get to bless Him in this way, and be with Him while I have given it all up. If He really is my fortress, then I will be okay without everything I once lived with. It might not be comfortable, but He is my true Comfort. This is where true freedom is found- and I have thought that freedom was in having everything I may need and feeling comfortable.
“His Love broke open the way and he brought me into a beautiful, broad place. He rescued me- because His delight is in me! I’ll not sin by ceasing to follow Him, no matter what.”
Psalm 18: 19, 21b TPT
Thank you for reading, I am honored that you have joined me! Subscribe to my blog to see more posts leading up to, and during my World Race. May you have the courage to go deeper with the Lord as you release your grip on the things of this world, and grasp your trusting hands onto Jesus.
