“It just hurts my brain and my heart to think about stepping back into a life that’s like this pattern of moving ‘up’ in the world where the number one concern is based around a pay check, you know?”
The bus rocked back in forth as it climbed the rocky roads leading back to our ministry base. The roads of Santiago were busy as normal. Motos flew by as they traveled to their daily destinations and people glanced up to watch the bus pass by from their surrounding homes. We were on our way back to the base from another packed day of SMT, and our 40 minute drive left the perfect space for verbal processing. I was sitting next to Ben, and he watched me as I spoke.
“This life is so normal now. It feels so weird to say that, but it’s true, and I just never want that to change I guess.”
Over the past 9 months my team has been through some of the best and the hardest moments of my entire life alongside me, and if anyone knew how to get me to process about going home, it was Ben. I looked up at him as I finished my thought.
“I know the Lord has it under control. It’s just intimidating to think about touching back down in the states you know?”
Ben nodded his head before leaning it back in his seat. I knew we were all thinking the same things, but it felt good to say them out loud. He took a second longer to think before responding.
“We’ve all seen what happens when we live in full obedience. Now it’s just time to trust.”
Here we are. We’re living those final days of the race that felt so distant for the past year. Thinking about this season of my life ending is honestly a stab in the heart. I love it. I love the ministry days that leave me completely drained but smiling because of the goodness of the Lord. I love the crazy worship all-nighters that somehow always end in the pool. I love the days that feel endless because of the mad heat and missing home. I love waking up to my family every day. Waking up to a God who loves me so much that He chose me to be on this race with these people. A God who reveals more of himself to us every day and never ceases to stretch and amaze me. I love the fact that I haven’t really been inside in 2 months. I love making brownies at 11 pm while sharing the highs and lows of my day with my squad. I love digging into the word with my team. I’m just really thankful, and somehow it does feel normal, and I don’t feel ready to let that go. The thing is, the more I’ve processed that the more I’ve realized it’s based on fear. Not the good kind of fear, the bad kind. It’s based off of fear of failing myself and failing others, which is something the Lord has been working on in me a lot lately. It’s based off of some sort of fear that I’m going to go home and not grow at the same rate I have been here, or not have opportunities to do direct ministry like I have been for the past year. The thing is… Our God is so much bigger than that. This has all been preparation. It’s the very beginning of what the father has in store. The START. All of us have been called by the father. That means that He has something ready for us. He has our mission laid out in front of us. I think people so often get caught up in waiting for the Lord to “call” them. They forget that we’re all already called. It’s our job to take the steps forward and trust the Lord to lead us, but we have to go. We have to go out and act in faith.
So here I am Lord. Send me.
As I’ve lifted up my return to the Lord again and again, He’s brought more and more excitement for this next season. This is an opportunity to chase what the Lord puts in front of me, but also to continuously give it all back to the Lord. To accept the blessings, opportunities, and challenges with an open heart, but also to constantly hand those back to the Father. I trust the Lord, which means I can confidently say I will never settle in anything other than His plan for me. Here’s the opportunity to live that out. To put my faith to the test. To run to the father and no-one else. To fight for love. To live out the great commission and the church of Acts.
Lord I give this next season to you.
Love you guys!
-Wes
