So I think if I could pick one title to put on myself to describe where I’m at in this point in my gap year, I would say “Baby Christian”. I say this for two main reasons:
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The more I read and try to process and chew on scripture, the more I realize I know nothing. I feel like the more I read the more God’s word GROWS before my very eyes.
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I’ve let pride stand in the way of SO much in my life, and the more God breaks me down and reveals that pride, the more beautiful and VAST His character becomes. Because of my pride, I put expectations on the Lord that limited His character and His plan for me.
So I want to expound on the second point. I wrote out this part of the blog so many times and deleted it time and time again over the past couple days, but this morning, the Lord spoke to me through one of my squad mates and showed me what I was missing. When I first arrived in Gainesville, I had so many expectations regarding how the Lord was going to show up. I know at first this doesn’t sound like a bad thing, but the thing that I was missing is that we’re not meant to live in expectation of what the Lord will do. Who am I to expect anything from God. Instead, we’re meant to live in expectancy of what He CAN do. This is yet another thing that requires faith and trust (The two words that the Lord has relentlessly shoved back at me). The more that I let go of what I personally expect from God, the more He blows those expectations away and shows up in a bigger way. Expectations put God in a box.
I know some of this might seem confusing; I’m still processing it myself, so I want to use a couple of examples to try and explain what I mean… The Lord has blessed me with INCREDIBLE parents. My dad is one of the most unwaveringly persevering Christians I’ve ever met. It’s my dream to become like my dad. I want to love and lead my famiy just like him, and that will never change. I grew up traveling with my parents and observing them minister to others, and I’ve stood alongside so many people myself who have struggled with the image of a good father because of broken pasts and relationships with their fathers. Because of all of this, I assumed that I didn’t need God the father because I had a relationship with my earthly father. That’s an expectation. The Lord DESTROYED that expectation over the past few weeks, and through it, I’ve realized even more what a blessing my earthly father is in my life as well. God the father LOVES me. He wants to sit with me for hours everyday and just speak. He literally forgets the sins that I have committed, and He simply wants to LOVE me in His absolutely perfect way. He doesn’t fit in a box. He calls me to sonship, which is something that I still can’t wrap my brain around, but it brings me to tears daily.
The next example comes from a session we had earlier this week. The teaching was on the miraculous and it was incredible. One thing stood out to me though, and really had me searching for a few days. Our speaker was explaining how sometimes she prayed for miraculous healing and it happened right there, but sometimes it didn’t and she just had to trust the Lord with the timing. The thing that I was having a hard time getting past, was the fact that I couldn’t find anywhere in the bible where Jesus didn’t successfully heal someone right there on the spot, and the only times that the disciples failed was when they didn’t have enough faith. I’ve heard incredible stories of people walking up to someone else in full confidence and faith and commanding healing in the name of Jesus and watching it happen every time without fail, and I wanted that same confidence and faith. I didn’t want to walk around with the assumption that it might work or it might not. The thing is, without me knowing, I was putting the Lord in another box. Who am I to expect the Lord to do things in my timing. The LORD will work in the LORD’s timing. So to put that in perspective, one of our squad-mates needed prayer because of a physical stunting in his knee that forces him to wear a hefty brace and doesn’t allow him to walk normally without it. After that teaching, our whole squad gathered around him and prayed. The spirit was so evident in that place it was tangible. We all prayed in complete faith that the Lord would do the miraculous. When we finished and told my squad-mate to take off his brace and stand up, the knee problem was still there. I’m not going to lie, I was crushed. I even spoke up and said “thank you Lord for your timing”, but something in me still felt like something was missing. Well that feeling was legitimate because something WAS missing. I had expectations for what the Lord should do in my eyes when I really needed to give up those expectations and rest in the expectancy that the Lord will heal in His time. Let me tell you, living in expectancy instead of expectation is one of the most freeing things I’ve experienced. The Father’s timing is perfect. Something Moriah has sent to me over and over again since I’ve been here is that the Lord grants us everything good and perfect, but in HIS timing, not our own. We have to trust. Trust in the fact that He is a good good father and that His plan exceeds ours in the way He promises. Thank you Lord for your GOODNESS.
So yeah, I would definitely consider myself a baby christian at this point in my walk because the more God WRECKS me and my expectations, the more He grows and shows the vastness of His character. WHOO! God is good.
Love you guys,
Wes
