I remember the day that God showed me missions!
I was on the fast track to go to Yale pre law minoring in journalism. I was giving everyone around me every part of me. Anything they wanted as long as they thought I was “good” and whole. I was about to obtain everything I thought I had to have to be perfect. I had no problems whatsoever! At least that’s what everyone thought because I didn’t talk to anyone. Because I thought that if you told someone your struggles that was letting them know that you are damaged, unwhole, unworthy and broken. So no one knew! No one knew that I had crippling anxiety and had to scream and punch things when I was home alone just to keep it under control. No one knew that I was finding comfort in a mentaly abusive friendship. No one knew that I had severe depression and couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. No one knew that I found comfort in my chain so I put on more and more each morning. No one knew that after being newly saved I had no idea what grace or surrender was and was encountering temptation for the first time. No one knew that every night I would tell myself well at least if I was dead
couldn’t sin against God. Because though I loved God I didn’t believe He could love me, I didn’t believe anyone truly could. And it was then on the brink of destruction that I went to lead a mission camp in Macon MS. I was honestly just trying to make myself feel better about myself, but God intended sooo much more.
THE DAY BEFORE GOD CALLED ME!
The first day there was training. I didn’t know a single soul and felt completely alone, but that was normal then. Our first meeting I was asked to lead the lesson and of course I said yes. My little VBS hand shot right up with what I thought was the perfect answer. But that is more important later. Our lesson that night stripped away every sin I was going through and I was taught what God’s grace is. And the thing is it wasn’t a single word that I hadn’t heard a million times, but it was that night God just overflowed my cup with grace like I have never felt. I cried on the porch of my cabin all night as God broke every piece of this picture I was trying to paint of perfection. Everything I thought I knew about life changed that night when I learned about grace. By myself on that porch not feeling alone for one of the first times in my life God broke me down.
The next day He rebuilt me!
THE DAY HE CALLED ME!
After everything that had happened the night before I was raw stripped of everything I called comfort. It was like I was having to learn everything all over again. Things that I didn’t even think had that much to do with God. like how i spoke or how i thought about myself. I was finding out finally how to be me. The me God created me to be! But I was no leader. I was just sitting back watching God rebuild me. And that was right about when I realized I was supposed to go in front of a room full of kids and teach them about God that I was just getting to know. I freaked out for a second. Because though I had all the VBS knowledge Life Way could give me. My heart knew none of it. But that was the moment God presented me with the gift of surrender. That minute of fear passed and overwhelming peace took over and God gave me one prayer. “ God let none of the worlds that come out of my mouth be mine but yours alone.” and that was the prayer that i uttered as i walked through the doors of that children’s center.
The next thing I remember I was sitting down after the lesson. Yup that’s right! I don’t remember a word of it. So I leaned over to one of the guys on my team and asked “ um what did i say” he looked at me shocked and just said “God’s word!”. Later that day at our debrief my leader said “ Sarah I hope you know God spoke through you!” But i knew that God spoke through me that day and just as i had prayed it was only His words.
I walked out of that place with a mission, God’s mission. Everything I thought was so certain was ripped away from me and I had never felt such joy. Now that I had finally found my Holy direction!
That week God gifted me verse after verse proclaiming His mission to me and assuring me in what He had shown me.
Ever since then I have striven to be the hands and feet of God wherever He calls me. And for the next chapter in my life I am happy to say that, that is world race! Though if i am honest if my comfort would have chosen I would have ended up in Australia working in a church over there for a year. But the day I went to sign the paper to do that God presented me with the World Race. and i have never felt such holy direction in something in my life! And just like that day at the doors of that children’s house I surrendered and felt such joy! I can’t wait to serve my freaking beautiful heavenly father! And hope you come along with me!
With all the love in my heart Sarah
